Surrender
by stageglitter1
Summary: Set a couple of years in the future - Bella breaks off her engagement to Edward and chooses a life with Jacob instead. Years later, a member of the Cullen family returns to Forks and pulls Bella back into their world...read and review!
1. Prologue: Pain

Prologue: _Present Day_

The last recollection of happiness ended with two words. Two very small words.

"_I can't."_

I didn't know how to explain _anything_ anymore after that. Thoughts, places, moments – they no longer had meaning. Everything I had waited decades for had come together, and just as easily, had fallen apart.

"…_A clean break,"_ she quoted me, mimicking the words and actions I had taken a little less than a year prior with her. The difference was my intentions were for her own good. To keep her away from the harm I had caused her, and would continue to cause her if I remained a part of her life. I had returned because I realized how much _more _damage I caused by staying away, and she agreed we could not live our existence without one another.

I should have been wise enough to know things change. Even though night's darkness is always constant, _other_ things change.

He could offer her and would gladly give her everything, just as I would have. Except our pool of offerings were not equal in many ways.

He could offer her comfort. Protection. The chance at what a relationship is supposed to be between a man and a woman, both emotionally and physically. The chance to live among her father, her mother, her friends. The chance to bear children. The chance to waver in moments that she would remember. The opportunity to live a _normal_, human life. Happiness.

I, too, offered her happiness. A selfish, secluded happiness that was limited to my world, and therefore had to follow certain rules. There were always obligatory limits to our physical relationship – for her safety, the one thing I treasured above anything else. A limited world, but that included us, all I thought we ever needed…all_ I_ ever needed. I offered to protect her with all of by being. And I agreed against my better judgment to give her what I thought she wanted: an eternity by my side. I offered her every single day of forever – at the expense of robbing her of all semblance of humanity, which once I took, I would never be able to give back.

I guess I deserve this. I always wanted her to see me for the monster I am, the monster she was wishing to become to spend her existence with me. I should be glad she finally listened.

After that evening, I complied with her wishes – a clean break. I always knew I could force myself away from her, if it was for the best, if it was what she wanted. Personal sacrifice for the remainder of my existence was a small price to pay – and once she was gone, I would soon follow. I have always known that whether she grew old by my side or not, my time would end soon after hers. There is no logic in existing in a world where she does not.

I had to keep my distance to avoid the pain – hers, not mine. My pain will follow me wherever I go.

I sought distractions. I applied and enrolled for yet another collegiate degree – Harvard, this time – in Music. Not a very smart move, I'll admit. Most everything I hear, or everything I compose, reminds me of her. "Classical Compositions of the Late 19th Century" was not as easy a course to get through as it should have been.

Shortly after my departure, my family relocated to London, England. In part, its something we've grown accustomed to – having to move every number of years to protect our true identity. In this case, they also had additional motivation – to dissolve all ties that would continue to interfere with what I left behind in Forks.

They don't talk about it. Any of it. This is tolerable, when I'm overseas. When I'm visiting, however, no matter how hard they try, they can't help but think about her. And me. I look unbelievably solemn in their minds, and it makes every minute just a little less bearable.

My sisters make it unwillingly difficult on two extremes – Alice slips and thinks about her, about the friendship they abruptly left undone when the engagement was broken off, about the perfect wedding plans she was forced to abandon. Rosalie, as sympathetic as she's capable of, purposefully makes it a point for me to hear her thoughts – how it could have never ended well, and how, if she would've been given a choice other than _this_ life, she would have also chosen to be _normal_ and _mortal_.

I am back to being the lonely member of the Cullen family. The one without a soul mate.

Except, Bella Swan is my soul mate. She will always be, even if she's found comfort in Jacob Black's arms. And I cannot hate him – he makes her happy. He always did when I did not.

The only one I can blame is I, Edward Cullen, for existing.


	2. Chapter 1: Unrequited

Chapter 1: _4 Years Prior_

"…_My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I'd made, every bit of harm I'd done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I'd caused Jacob, each wound I'd given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny…"_

The same thoughts continued to run through Bella's mind over and over like a movie she had no choice but to watch. How did everything spiral so out of control? She never imagined she would have caused so much pain to two of the people she loved most in the world.

Charlie was terrified when Bella arrived home. She assured him Jacob was fine, and that she too, would be okay.

"_Sometimes, there isn't any way to compromise." _she said to him. Then, she made her way upstairs and locked herself in over forty minutes ago.

She looked in the bathroom mirror to dry the new batch of tears she had wept in the past two minutes. Of course she had to seclude herself before continuing onto her room. She knew Edward was there, waiting – and she couldn't bear for him to see her like this, a total wreck. Bella couldn't contain the overwhelming feeling that hung over her, the same feeling that was making her cry, the one that was slowly excavating a hole in her chest and another in the pit of her stomach. It was like a black cloud that hung over her, like she knew there was something she was about to do that she would regret for the rest of her life.

"…_It had not been Edward and Jacob that I'd been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward's Bella and Jacob's Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried…"_

She didn't know how to explain it – until she realized that the mess that she'd made only had one solution. It was not the one she wanted, not the one anyone would have ever expected, but the one that made the most sense.

_How could ever be happy when in my wake, I would be leaving such a whirlwind of hurt? _

Bella opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, her heart and her mind – opposing forces, screaming the extreme choices back and forth at one another.

When she made it to the room, Edward was waiting, sitting on the edge of the bed. He stood as Bella walked in and immediately noticed the failed attempts at wiping away the evidence that she'd been crying. He stared at her, his topaz eyes full of concern, and in them she saw the exact moment when he realized it was over.

"Edward," Bella whispered to him, closing her eyes. She tried with every cell inher body to maintain some sort of composure. She couldn't bear to look at him. They stood together in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"Bella, please…I can't bear to see you like this." Edward whispered, his icy hands holding her lightly by her shoulders. "Whatever it is, love, I assure you—"

"Please don't. Don't make this harder than it already is." It killed Bella to step away from his open arms, but just standing in his embrace was just another blow of hurt she couldn't bear.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Bella, please. What did Jacob say to you? Did he hurt you?"

"I can't,"

"Please tell me," Edward pleaded. Bella kept her eyes closed, as if convincing herself that not looking at him would somehow make the words roll out comfortably.

"I can't marry you."

It seemed as if time stood still, as if the wind outside the windows stopped blowing, the drizzle ceased to fall; as if one heart stopped beating, while another, no matter how silent, was also heard when it gave its last beat.

"I know I made a promise to you, and to not make this any harder I think a clean break is best, and I know that this is the last thing that you—"

"Bella, don't." Edward stopped her. He turned to look out the window. If it wasn't because he knew better, he'd be certain this was all just some terrible nightmare.

"Edward, please, let me explain," Bella whispered.

"You don't need to, love," he said softly as he turned back to face her. He placed a hand on her cheek and grazed the blush on her face as he spoke. "Your motivations are the same ones I had always wished you would've had. Even though I've been too selfish to stay away from you, I never wanted you to have to choose. And you don't have to."

Bella shaked her head in disbelief. "_This_ isn't what I want."

"_This_ is what you need. _I_ can't take your lifeaway from you in order to have you forever. I can't bear to look into your eyes for the rest of our existence knowing that somewhere in your heart, you may be regretting the choice you made."

"I would never regret being with you – not in the past, not forever. Not one minute."

Edward lifted her chin until Bella's eyes met his. _Pain…she's in so much pain. I could have avoided this_, he thought.

"If it hurts you like this, how could you ever be sure you made the right choice?"

Bella began to sob, something she'd been trying to contain. She sobbed right into Edward's cold chest, wetting his light beige shirt with her tears. He held her, making an attempt to soothe her.

This could be the last chance he would ever have at making _anything_ better. If he had to stand here all night until she was drained of tears, he would gladly do so. It didn't matter if their engagement had just come to an end; if tomorrow she would run into someone else's arms, Jacob's even, and blocked out of her memory any notion of the last 18 months. While the entirety of any reason he ever had to exist was over, Edward knew that the only significance life ever held was making sure Bella was happy – with him or without him, no matter what.

And yet, how can something so perfect, yet imperfect in its own way, come to such an end?

As Bella collapsed, Edward lifted her shaking body into his arms and placed her gently on the bed, pulling back the covers and then again over her. The words escaped Bella before she had a chance to think logically.

"Please stay. Please don't go. Not like this," Bella grabbed a hold of his arms, pleading. He laid down beside her and molded his body to hers over the covers. He pulled the tangled mess of her hair out of her moist face and brushed it back with his fingers, and wrapped his cold arms around her.

"I will be here," he whispered softly in her ear. "As long as you want me to."


	3. Chapter 2: Daydream

Chapter 2: _Present Day_

When I initially moved to Forks from Phoenix, Arizona, I never imagined that at any point, I'd _want_ to stay. When Renee offered me to move to Florida once she settled in with Phil, I contentedly declined, knowing that the place I never knew I always belonged in was Forks.

I had Charlie, I had friends, I had a life…I had Edward.

There was no point in moving away when everything I wanted, everything I _needed_ at the time was right there in Forks. Just as I'd never thought I would want to stay, I had made up my mind that as long as Edward was there, I would never want to leave.

Nowadays, everything I _want_ is to be _away_ from Forks. Not because the Cullen family remains there. The memories do. And memories are always better dealt with from far, far away.

I couldn't bear to stay in Forks much longer after everything that happened, after what _I_ did. The hardest part, as it always has been for me, was to come up with a decision, to make a choice. Once that choice was made, there was no need to dwell on it again. No one had to know that I was making a sacrifice, just the way that no one had to know why I made my decision. It was a quiet, but not-so-peaceful deliberation that I had with myself on the floor of my father's bathroom. I always figured things out – reasonable, grounded, mature Bella. I had perspective - or it just made me feel better if I kept repeating that to myself.

I made the decision to leave behind an immortal existence with the one I loved more than my own life – to leave behind the promises we had made, the struggles we endured, the love we professed – all in the name of good reason.

Yes, I would have spent eternity with Edward. But, what about Charlie? And Renee? How could I leave my parents behind, with no promise of being able to be near them? I knew they would go on with their respective lives without me, but at the time, the thought of not having them in _my_ life just didn't seem logical. What about those first years as a newborn? Would I be able to ever control myself, my thirst? No one assured me of that because no one knew – everyone was different, they had said. What about all of the plans I had made for a life _before_ Edward? What about my family's expectancies for my future? What about Jacob?

Jacob. Wonderful, innocent, loving, faithful Jacob. Sitting next to me, right now.

If he knew what kind of a train of thought I was on, he would surely take this ring right off my left hand. As he should. I don't deserve him, I never have, but he somehow thinks I'm worthy of his love. And I love him, I do; but, not the way he should be loved. He deserves so much more than I can give him, but my heart is limited and only capable of so much. The wolf got to keep the piece of my heart that the vampire didn't take.

There were too many emotions, too many moments that Edward and I shared, that I somewhat expected my heart to never be whole again after that night. I was used to the missing piece by now. I think deep down inside, Jacob knows that piece of my heart is missing too, and he knows exactly who has it.

I promised that once I left Edward and Forks behind, I would never look back. I couldn't – for my own sanity, and for the sake of the relationship I pursued with Jake.

About two days after that last night Edward stayed with me, I convinced Charlie to let me leave town. I left Forks for the University of Alaska, Southeast early – I was definitely the first one checking in at the dorm rooms that summer. Jacob came up with me to help me settle in, and I took those weeks to throw myself into a relationship with him. A relationship far beyond what Jacob and I were used to from each other. To a point, I only knew how to be his friend; now I had to learn how to be more to him. And as everything always was with Jacob, it was effortless.

I had made a reasonable decision – a normal human life. College. A somewhat normal boyfriend, if you take away the fact he shape-shifts into a wolf from time to time. Even though I had every reason to not be, I was confused. Sometimes I knew that breaking my engagement with Edward was exactly what I needed to do. Other times, I was altered. Bothered, even, to some level with what I had done - so much so that I wanted to forget about Edward; I never had the right idea of how to do it, and although I made physical advances with Jacob to try to forget the pain I felt, Jacob had a sort of silent knowledge of my intentions and gently turned down my proposals at intimacy.

He was more of a gentleman than he was expected to be, and I grew to love him more because that. Jacob stayed with me in Alaska until just before school began again at the Quileute reservation.

By the end of my second semester, I had applied to the University of California, San Diego, majoring in English Literature. There was no way I was enduring that much snow _and _a limited selection at the university library for four years. Besides, Jacob liked the idea. He applied and was accepted to UC San Diego the following year, all kept as a big secret to surprise me.

The holidays and summer breaks were mostly spent down in San Diego from then on, with Charlie and Renee and Billy visiting for Christmas. No one ever asked Jacob & I to come to Forks, and we never had a reason to go.

Until now. We were just minutes from landing at Sea-Tac International Airport to surprise everyone - Charlie, Renee, Phil, Billy, Sam, Emily, the Clearwaters – no one knew we were coming. Renee flew into Forks with Phil yesterday just to make sure Charlie was prepared to act out as father of the bride. Jacob and I had been out of town and he decided it would be fun to surprise them all by flying to Forks and spending a couple of days there before we all flew to San Diego for the wedding, which was two weeks away. There is no particular reason why I'm feeling lightheaded as I think about that.

Jacob gently kissed my cheek and brought me out of my reviere.

"Hey – you look distracted," he whispered in my ear. "Is everything okay?" He brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear.

_No. Just having thoughts about my old vampire boyfriend we never mention. You know, your mythical mortal enemy whom you'd want to kill if you knew your fiancée daydreams about him frequently? Yeah, that one._

"Yes. Everything's fine. I'm exhausted. Rebecca was telling me there's a lot still left to do. I guess I'm just preoccupied."

He smiled and moved to lift the airplane arm rest from in between our seats so that he could place his arms around me. I couldn't help but smile back at him and tuck myself in. There had always been an unexplained comfort in just being Jake's arms.

"Everything is going to be fine. Rachel and Rebecca have been tag-teaming for months to get everything done so that the last thing you would have to do was worry about anything." Thank goodness for that. If it were up to me, it would be City Hall all the way. "Besides, they were not going to let you get away with your idea of get-in, get-out, express-Vegas-style marriage."

"It would work just the same," I reminded him.

"Sure, sure," he said, and kissed the top of my head.

I chuckled and looked up to see him smiling. All in all, it wasn't hard to figure I was against an upscale production for a wedding. Jake's sisters, Rachel and Rebecca promised to keep it light, with just the family and a couple of our friends from San Diego on the guest list, but a wedding, nonetheless, with required planning that I willingly and gladly left up to them.

There is one friend I did miss on the guest list, but one I was afraid and ashamed to invite. How could I possibly invite her when she was supposed to have been my maid of honor for the wedding I called off with her brother? Knowing Alice, though, she already knew about _these_ wedding plans. Was there really a need to send her an invitation? She has to know that no matter how bitter things were left off with Edward, and despite the distance our friendship has suffered because of it, she had remained and would always be one of my greatest friends. She could crash the party if she really wanted to and I would welcome her to it with open arms.

I forced myself to stop thinking about Alice. And Edward. It's enough torture of the Cullen stature for myself for one day. I turned my head up and to the side and puckered at Jake for a kiss. He gladly obliged, but had a worry line on his brow, as if he knew that there was something on my mind. Before he had a chance to ask, I turned my attention to the window as we descended to landing at Sea-Tac, just as the pilot turned on the light signaling to fasten our seat belts.


	4. Chapter 3: Secluded

Chapter 3: _Present Day_

"Oh my goodness! What are you doing here?"

Perfect – the reaction I was aiming for. I smiled as Esme opened the door wide to welcome me. Carlisle made his way down the stairs as Alice overlooked the scene, beaming a smile back at me from the second floor.

"I decided it was time to join my family in London, is that so wrong?" I said with a smirk, and moved in to give Esme a hug.

_What a surprise! We weren't expecting you_, Carlisle thought as he approached to greet me. I glanced up again as Alice winked.

"I asked Alice to keep quiet. I wanted to surprise everyone."

"And you said I couldn't keep a secret," Alice replied. She made her way down as well and leaned in to offer a kiss on my cheek.

_It's good to have you home,_ she thought.

Although I missed all of my family while in I was Cambridge, I most definitely missed Alice the most. Her and I, we're one in the same. In the beginning, because of our superfluous abilities, we were sort of thrown together. Eventually over the years, we just developed our _own_ kind of relationship, like a true brother and sister – she was my best friend.

The elevator leading up from the underground garage chimed and opened to reveal Rosalie, fresh from working on a new toy. Ah, Ferrari F430. Nice.

"Edward!" she exclaimed. The car certainly had her in the best of moods. "You're back?"

"For now. I'm done at Harvard," I answered. I pulled out a graduation cap from my bag and handed it to Esme. "For our frame."

"Yes, please add _another_ of Edward's graduation caps to the collection. As if half of them were not his," Rose said, shooting all of us a playful grin before turning towards the corridor that led to the downstairs bathroom. Yes, that Ferrari makes her happy.

"It even allows her to be comical," I stated. Rosalie turned to give me a menacing look.

Alice glanced in my direction. "What does?"

"The Ferrari. Really, we should have let her have it long ago." I grinned back at my eldest sister. "Besides, not all of them are mine. Most of them belong to Carlisle."

"Don't start," Rose said, turning to give me a menacing look. Then, her features softened and her eyes darted away from mine as she stepped out of the hall.

_You haven't joked with me in so long, I've forgotten what it feels like, _she thought. I could tell she didn't want to say anything more, or she would've already done so.

Subtlety was undeniably not a quality Rose possessed, and she was never afraid to remind me of how I have changed since that night long ago. She has gained perspective, however, to the fact that I cannot help my attitude towards my meaningless existence.

"Edward, I am sure that you have an assortment of new compositions to play for us," Esme suggested, mostly prompted by the change in my expression as I listened to Rosalie's thoughts.

"Yes, absolutely," I replied.

I secluded myself to my room for a couple of hours. Even though the last thing I really needed was to be alone, there was a strange comfort I found in it; mostly it was because I didn't have to put on a farce in front of my family, and partly because I could tell how much of a strain it was for them to control their thoughts of sympathy for me. I tried to tune out most of it either way, but it was easier for them _not_ to think of me if I was not in their line of sight.

Forget high school. _This_...life after Bella, was surely purgatory.

I knew how much Esme loved to hear me play, and I know she could hear me right now keying away, improvising sonata-like melodies from wherever she was in the house. She was eager to hear my recent compositions, even the technically complex, less melodic pieces I had to prepare for graduation. Somehow I don't think any of the arrangements I have put together recently resemble the old pieces she loves. There has been no real muse for my work.

As I continued to probe a melody out of the piano, I could hear Alice just outside the door.

_Edward, can I come in?_ She waited a fraction of a second before she waltzed in, before I had a chance to respond.

"I didn't say you could come in," I said.

"I know, but I saw that you wouldn't oppose either," she replied as she took a seat next to me on the piano bench.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as she listened to the strokes of harmonies on the piano. When the flurries slowed and softened into barely inaudible notes, I heard her.

_You really shouldn't seclude yourself like this. You've been alone long enough at school._

"It doesn't make it any easier when everyone is trying _not _to think about it," I replied.

_It's been four years._

"Exactly. Do you not think it's about time I was mourning alone?" I didn't mean to snap at Alice, but my tolerance seemed to be diminishing lately. "I apologize, I didn't mean to be rude," I said.

_We still miss her, all of us. Everyday._

"I know," I whispered.

_There are times of the day when Esme seems inconsolable. Sometimes, one of us will mention her and Carlisle, even Emmett, leave the room. _

I tried not to think. I wished _I_ could leave the room to make it better, but the ghost would still haunt me.

"You miss her, too."

_You know I do. I loved her like my own sister. I still do, I guess._

Alice had nothing to else to say; that, or she was trying very hard at blocking me out, and succeeding in the attempt. Right now, I was not interested in knowing what she was keeping from me, if anything. If she wasn't telling, there was probably a good reason why.

I realized, as she'd mentioned them, that I had not seen my brothers since I had arrived this afternoon.

"Emmett and Jasper?"

_Out hunting in the midland. They're already on their way back._

I nodded, and we sat again in silence. Alice began to tune out an old song, a piano duet which I had taught her years ago. I did not even think she still remembered it. She flashed me a warning glance, as if to remind me not to leave my part unplayed. We both carried the tune as if it hadn't been years since we played it. She put on a small smile as we finished and leaned her head on my shoulder.

_Maybe Bella –_

"Don't. Please. Don't say her name." I pleaded. I was strong enough to talk about the crime, but as strong as to name the offender.

_Maybe she's not...happy. _

What? No. No, she had to be. She moved on...to a perfect human life. She had to be happy. In my attempt to ease the pain, I had convinced myself almost – it was practically a fact. I disappeared in hopes that would open the door for her to _be_ content.

"How could you be so sure that's the case?"

At that moment, an image of someone I knew well, someone I had all the reason in the world to hate, flashed in Alice's mind. I settled my head in my arm against the piano.

"I don't blame him for anything, Alice. You know that. He makes her happy – that is all that matters to me."

_I don't think it would be Jacob's fault if she wasn't. It's hers. And yours._

I stared at Alice and my eyes begged her to stop. Alice was the only one brave enough to ever confront me on this, an argument we have had for the past four years. Afterward, after all of the deliberation, what was left was the doubts, the insecurities, the pain. I didn't want to go through this again with Alice, but she did not show signs of budging tonight. And I didn't blame her. I understood how she felt - when I let Bella walk away, as she puts it, I lost her best friend – the only true friend outside of our family that she had ever had.

"Alice, please, I don't want to have this discussion again," I beseeched.

She spoke aloud this time, perhaps just a whisper, but aloud nonetheless - in hopes the message would get through loud and clear for once, if not for the millionth time. She took my hand in hers.

"You didn't fight. You didn't even try. You just gave up," Alice whispered. I stood and walked across the room, trying to contain the frustration I felt.

"I didn't _have_ a choice, Alice! I had already made my choice and my choice was _her_. My choice was to keep her alive, beautiful and alive - that's when I had my fight. That's when I tried my hardest because I wanted _her_, all of her, whether it killed me to resist temptation, _her life_ was the choice I made."

Alice looked down at her hands, as if not knowing how to reply.

"Bella was my struggle. There was nothing else left for me but _her._ There was nothing to fight _for_, because once she arrived that evening she was out of reach before I had the chance to take her back."

_No!_ I heard the exalted thought in Alice's head, and before she had any chance to stop it, Rose was standing by the door.

_Edward, Bella is marrying Jacob, _was all she said.


	5. Chapter 4: Reservations

Chapter 4: _Present Day_

She's lost it.

Renee gave a piercing scream of surprise before turning into the house and calling out for Phil and Charlie. Jacob and I just stood at the door, smiling our faces off.

"Phil! Charlie! You won't believe who I just opened the door to! Come here!"

Renee pulled us both into a tight double hug – well, she got me in a hug. Jake is a tower over her, just enough for her to only get her arms around half his shoulder.

"What are you to doing here? Don't you have a million things to do in San Diego?" she exclaimed.

"Yes, we do. We were out of town though, and Jake had the idea of surprising everyone on the way back," I said. She was still beaming from the surprise. My mom was still just a child at heart – it was the little things like this that made her incredibly giddy.

"_What happened?!" _Both Phil and Charlie came in through the back door, out of breath; apparently they heard the screaming but couldn't really make out what Renee was yelling.

"Look who just showed up!"

"Surprise!" Jacob mused, both arms open.

"Hey guys!" Charlie said, walking over to greet us both with hugs. Phil followed behind, and excited expression on his still too-young-looking face. "Does Billy know you're here?"

"No, we were going for the element of surprise," Jake said. "And we definitely got it! We're staying the week and flying down with you guys for the wedding."

Renee came over to me to embrace me again, and I hugged her back tightly. Even after so many years of not living with her, I realized just how much I missed her and her eclectic attitude every time I saw her.

"I'll call Billy and tell him we're coming over. I want to see the look on his face when he sees you two here!" Charlie replied, walking to the phone. "It's been a while since you kids have been up here, don't you think?"

_Of course, Dad. You of all people should know why I haven't set foot here again. Actually, thanks for bringing it up._

I was silent for just a minute before I realized the answer would be more awkward than necessary if someone didn't speak up.

"Yeah…yeah, it's been a while," I answered somewhat absentmindedly.

I felt Jake put his arms around my waist and kissed the top of my head from behind me.

"We're back now. Even though we've gotten used to life in the big city, it's good to be home. Right, Bells?" Jacob asked.

I lagged in my response again, but turned my gaze up to him. "I guess…yes, it is." Jacob smiled that irresistible smile before giving me another kiss on the cheek.

"Phil, would you give me a hand? We have a couple of bags outside."

"Sure thing, man," Phil replied.

"Let me help you guys," Renee offered.

Phil, Jacob, and Renee stepped outside; in the meantime, I followed Charlie into the kitchen where he had gone to use the very same coiled-cord phone that I remember to call Billy.

It was at that moment that I realized not much had changed in Charlie's house, even though I had had not lived here in over four years. The small changes I had made during my stay were intact. Worst of all, the kitchen itself brought back certain memories I had no need to stir in my mind. The whole house, its smells, its décor, all was reminiscent of another time, a livelier time.

Why did I let Jake convince me to come? Would it really have been so bad just to wait until everyone arrived in San Diego next week?

While Charlie made plans for this afternoon with Billy (without revealing that Jacob and I were in Forks), my mind drifted. Images of years ago began to emerge in my head…

…Of me rummaging around the kitchen while Edward watched from his usual spot, the same chair that faced the sink on the long side of the table…

…Another image of Edward leaning back by the cabinets, his hands on the counter, shaping his arms into perfectly sculpted stone figures…

…Another shot…of me sitting on the kitchen counter, Edward standing and facing me, his body wedged between my legs, his hands stroking my back softly – moving from there to gently graze my arm, then move up to my face, my throat…then he would whisper anything in my ear, because anything coming from him always sounded perfect, just before he moved his perfect cold, marble-hard lips to kiss mine…

The noises of Phil, Renee and Jacob out in the living room broke my daydream.

Charlie hung up with Billy and leaned in to give me a kiss on the forehead before he said, "Welcome home, kiddo."

Soon enough, we all settled into Charlie's police cruiser to ride down to La Push for our surprise afternoon with Billy. Charlie and Jake spent the time coming up with all kinds of reactions Billy and the Clearwaters would have to our visit in Forks, keeping Renee and Phil entertained. No one had the chance to notice that my mind was somewhere else entirely.

"Bella, I hope you don't mind but Phil and I kind of took over your old room this week," Renee warned.

My room was the _last_ place of the house I wanted to set foot in. My memory of the last couple of days in my room were not the most pleasant and I definitely had no interest in reliving them, especially after spending so much energy away from home trying to forget.

Bad memories aside, if I got visual pictures of that nature by just being in the kitchen, my room wouldn't make keeping my focus any easier.

_Bella, you're engaged. Engaged to be married. In two weeks. And the guy in that memory looks _nothing_ like your fiancée. You've got to tone it down._

I smiled back at Renee. "I don't mind at all, Mom, don't worry."

We arrived in La Push and just as expected by Jake and Charlie, our reception was chaotic and eventful. Billy, Sue, Seth, and Leah were pretty close to ecstatic.

Seth was the first one to catch me in a tight hug – tight enough to compete with Jacob for who could suffocate me the quickest. It was amazing how much Seth had grown in just a matter of years. Even though Jake and Seth were only a couple of years apart, Seth looked almost as old as Jake and just as tall.

"It's unbelievable. Please, stop growing. You're eventually going to make Jake look short," I joked with him. He laughed a hearty laugh and hugged me again. He never lost that innocence everyone just loved about him.

"You know I can't help it. Besides, why do I get picked on? If Leah gets taller, you guys just tell her she looks like a supermodel!" Seth complained.

"Because I do, stop whining," Leah replied. She smiled at us both.

Leah was also welcoming giving me a hug and a kiss when we arrived. Some would call it strange how her attitude and changed toward me since Jacob and I started dating. We would even talk on the phone every once in a while when Rebecca was visiting and they were hanging out together.

The one who took me by an unexplainable and unquestionable shock was Sue.

"How is the future Mrs. Black?" she asked.

No one had _yet_ referred to me as the future Mrs. Black. I know it wasn't my all-too-well-known reservations about marriage (instilled by my mother, who oddly enough was _too_ excited about my getting married) that made my stomach turn. I ignored the feeling grounded in my center and answered generically – _you know busy, with the wedding and stuff._ What a lie – Rebecca and Rachel are saving my life with this wedding and everyone knows it.

The afternoon and evening continued on. Seth, Jacob, Leah and I went down to First Beach, for old times sake. Quil, with an already seven-year old Claire in tow met us there, along with Embry, Sam and Emily, who all came back to Billy's for dinner. Everyone was thrilled to see us – slowly all of the girls, even Claire who climbed into my lap, gravitated to a corner to talk wedding details – at least the ones I actually could talk about. A baseball game kept all the boys entertained.

The tiny house was buzzing – Jake even mentioned he didn't think he'd ever seen this many people over at once. We moved into the back porch to talk and tell stories. I laughed with Quil and Embry's stories; Billy, Charlie, Jake and Phil took turns telling jokes; Renee and Emily even had a round of stories and protests about the husbands that kept the night and the energetic conversations going.

Claire and I were inseparable, even as she fell asleep draped across Renee and I when it became past her bedtime. I gently stroked the blonde curls in her hair and admired her sleeping. I started thinking about how I wouldn't mind having a little Claire of my own one day…

Renee leaned in, pulling me into a side conversation, "They're gorgeous when their sleeping, especially because their quiet."

I smiled as I looked at my Mom then at Claire again, "Yeah. She's adorable," I said. "You know, for a long time, I thought I wanted boys…but now I'm not so sure."

"Girls are the best," Renee said in a convincing tone.

"How would you know? You never had boys!"

"I've had to live with them, same difference," she whispered playfully and we both laughed.

"It's so weird, you know. I had a couple of scares with your father before you, while we were still in school," she said, information I didn't know about. "I'm surprised you've never told me if…"

"Told you what?" I asked. I was honestly confused by her question.

"You know, about scares. Last time I checked, we told each other everything, and I'm sure you and Jacob…well, you know scares happen…"

Even though she really didn't know how to pose a question she'd never asked, I knew exactly where this was headed. I tried really hard to not talk about this, but I guess it had to come up sometime.

I stayed quiet for a couple of seconds until Renee was motioning a response out of me with her eyes.

"Well…I've…never really had…a scare," I muttered slowly. She waited for me to keep talking. This was obviously not over. "Um…Jacob and I haven't really…"

Renee looked at me with a flat expression.

"You are such a liar. You don't have to lie to me, Bella."

"I'm not lying,"

"You're kidding then."

"I'm not kidding," I said. "I'm marrying a saint."

We both giggled out of nervousness before she continued to probe.

"So you're telling me that after four years together, your relationship has only gotten to first base?"

"Mom!" I was officially mortified.

"Second base?"

"Mom, you really need to stop. Now." I closed my eyes, utterly embarrassed.

As I said this out loud, not to mention I was talking to my _mother_ about this, I felt the need to laugh. It really did seem kind of far-fetched that two young, hormonal kids never went beyond…well…what Jacob and I had done. We had a romantic life…it was just…even though we had urges, and on _many _occasionswere just _this_ close to going through with it…

…it never really happened. Granted, we'd practically been living in the same dorm building once he moved to UCSD, but I had a roommate, and so did he. Once we got engaged, we decided that since it _still _hadn't happened, we might as well just wait until after the wedding – we kind of made a joke about the whole virtue thing at that point. And now, I was left wondering why. The joke wasn't funny anymore.

And then, when I thought the conversation with Renee couldn't go further south, she spoke again. As luck would have it, our party crowd was dissipating and Jake was out of earshot.

And then, when I thought the conversation with Renee couldn't go further south, she spoke again. As luck would have it, our party crowd was dissipating and thankfully, Jake was out of earshot.

"Okay, I'm about to go down in history as the most probing and embarrasing parent on the planet, but I just have to know."

I hesitated before I answered. Would I want to hear her question? Worse - did I really want to answer? I closed my eyes and let her ask.

"Shoot."

I could tell she was hesitating, too. She didn't even meet my eyes as she asked.

"Did you ever sleep with Edward?"

Why do you always have to give your mother her way? My head was reeling.

In my mind, it seemed silly to even answer that; but I had to realize that Renee never knew about Edward's secret - that, because he was a vampire, sexual intimacy with me was completely out of the question in his rule book. Edward knew how much I loved him, how much I physically wanted him, but there was nothing I could have ever wanted more than to show him.

I didn't expect the overwhelming feeling of sadness that washed over me as I thought about this, about him. About how making love with him would have been a dream come true, whether he'd be endangering my life or not.

"No," was my simple answer. Something about the way the words came out ended the conversation - neither one of us said anything else about the subject.


	6. Chapter 5: Hopeless

Chapter 5: _9 Months Prior_

Take it however you want, but there is something about being around her that just makes a guy want to walk around with a permanent smile on his face. Bella was everything I could ever hope for. She was not only beautiful, but unbelievably smart; she was funny and witty, caring, and had all the optimism I wasn't born with. She's worth _everything_ in my world.

I could honestly go on about my girlfriend for days. It's not every guy who can say they laid eyes on the girl of their dreams – and got her. Point blank, I, Jacob Black, am the luckiest guy on the planet. Please, be jealous - I want you to be. I'm such a lucky son-of-a-gun, I want to bottle up the joy and hand it out for Christmas.

Speaking of the holidays, these were undeniably going down in the books as one of the best. Last year, we had my Dad and Charlie fly down to San Diego from Washington. This year, our families flew in from all over to spend the holidays with us - Bella's mom, her step dad, and even my sisters, who haven't spent been home for the holidays since a couple of years after our Mom passed away. Of course, we weren't only celebrating the yuletide and Baby Jesus' birth this year…

Today was the big day – for Bella. College graduation. While the rest of us completed four years of college, she did the same in three-and-a-half – I teased her every day about how she was _literally_ a show-off. Even though I haven't let her live down her accomplishment since she applied for early graduation at the beginning of the semester, no one is prouder of her than I am. Well, maybe Charlie and her mom are but I'm right up there.

And because I have the best girlfriend on the planet and these are lined up to be the best holidays ever, I am planning on making them better – I am going to propose to Bella tonight.

What can I say, she inspires me to be an overachiever.

For years, I have known that Bella is the one. At first, it was platonic – I was 14, barely 15, when Bella came to live in Forks. She was 17, and nothing like the kid I remembered who used to visit over the summers and play with my sisters while our dads spent the day watching sports on TV. Of course, when I was around her, I acted like a complete idiot – she was nice enough considering I was two years younger and she had no reason to pay attention to me.

Things changed. Quickly. She and I have been through certain things you only read in books or see in movies. For one, Bella loves me despite _what_ I am – a half-man, half-wolf shape-shifter. Apparently, she has a thing for having just a little bit of fantasy in her every day life, so here I am. She knew me before, and accepted and loved me afterward.

Being that we _never_ talk about the stupid bloodsucker and his little clan of a family who were the reason both our lives were turned upside down, I'd almost forget that, in a way, the leeches are the reason Bella and I are together. Bella may like the fantasy bit, but trust me when I say that there is only so much fantasy a person can take – I think vampires are a little too much to handle. Bella realized she would have given up so much more to be with the bloodsucker than she should have to.

I've become pretty good at staying away from the thought that I'm a _consolation prize_. The second choice – if you can't have class A, take class B instead. I'm not. I was the sane choice, the reasonable choice, the right one for her. It may have taken time for me to believe it at first, but now I know Bella loves me the way I love her – any shadow of a doubt is just the devil inside my head trying to make me think otherwise. Just the devil, a small haunting I have to live with, nothing more.

I looked in the mirror as I thought about this, buttoning the cuffs on my shirt. There was a knock on the door – that must be her. I took just a couple of steps inside the small dorm room and motioned to unlock the door. When I opened, of course, Bella couldn't look any more perfect.

"Hey early graduate. Ready for that diploma?" I said as I opened the door wide. She grinned the same way she always did when I teased her – that why-don't-you-shut-up grin.

"Yes, actually," she shot me a smile as she walked in and I closed the door behind her. "I'm ready to have _you_ be the only one having to do homework, study for exams, and cram for finals."

"Retaliation. Sexy," I loved it when she talked back. I placed one hand on her neck and the other on the small of her back, pulling her in and leaned in to kiss her. As she kissed back, a small moan escaped from deep in her throat. She tangled her fingers weakly in my hair as I pulled her closer. Our lips intertwined in perfect synchronization. As we lost ourselves in the kiss, we lost track of our steps and ended up against the wall, Bella with her back to it, and me facing her. It was times like this when I wanted to do away with time constraints and obligations – who really needs to go to graduation anyway?

"I hate to…have to…this…but have…I have to pick up a diploma…in exactly…" she whispered. I was too busy obsessing over her neck line, and she was too incoherent to form a phrase.

"Are you sure you're ready to graduate, miss English Literature? It looks like you're having trouble forming complete sentences," I taunted. I looked up at her and she opened one eye to peek at me, having enjoyed the moment with her eyes closed.

"How about this sentence – 'stop being such a tease.'" Bella leaned in to kiss my neck and wiggled from the little space I'd left between her and the wall. She approached the mirror to straighten out her dress. I sneaked in behind her to peck a kiss on her cheek.

"One of these days, when you least expect it, I'm going to clear out our schedules…" I whispered in her ear. The words trailed as I kissed her neck, then her shoulders. I felt her smile. "…and take you hostage."

"You know, that's been something I've been meaning to pencil into my agenda…but someone seems to be too busy,"

I knew she was joking, but there was something way too bothersome about the fact that Bella and I hadn't taken that next step in our relationship. I knew my logic for not giving in early on when we first started dating, especially since she was _too_ eager – I didn't want something that was supposed to be so special to be tainted as an attempt to relieve emotional pain. As time passed, and her emotional wounds healed, I never really was sure why one way or another, our physical intimacy always took a detour instead of driving home.

"I can make time. I _will _make time. There's nothing I want more than to be with you," I said to her, and kept spreading kisses on her collarbone, reassuring her of my intentions.

"Regardless of how much I'd _love that_ right now…" I sighed and backed away, knowing time was on a crunch.

"Let's go," I motioned towards the door, pushing her in front of me so that I could lag behind. There's a little something I can't forget to grab.

________________

"I can't believe you're done, honey, congratulations!" Renee hugged Bella tight as we arrived at the restaurant. Charlie approached her as well and greeted her with a hug, then offered me a handshake and a hug as well.

"You're next, kid! Only a couple of more terms," he said.

"Five semesters to be exact," I reminded. He pulled me to the side, away from Bella's earshot.

"Is tonight the night?" he asked.

I tapped my pocket where the small black box was impatiently waiting to be opened. Charlie smiled a reassuring smile and pulled me into another hug.

"Thank you for making her happy, Jake. You're the best thing she's got. And you know you've got our blessing, from me and Renee both," Charlie reassured. Asking him was not as easy as I'd expected it to be, but I figured I would go with tradition and ask for Bella's hand. Besides, I needed someone to be in on the secret – I couldn't keep the excitement to myself; so I told Charlie and Renee…and everyone except Bella. They were all expecting the question to be popped tonight…

…If my nerves don't get the best of me first. Watch me phase while I'm trying to propose – that will be a sight to see. Renee will take that blessing back in a heartbeat.

We took a seat where my dad and sisters were waiting, along with Phil. Everyone had this giddy attitude – obviously because they were in on tonight's surprise. If it wasn't because Bella was a little distracted with the graduation excitement and the congratulations coming from all directions, she'd know something was up.

After we finished dinner, while we were all still around the table talking, I decided to make my move.

"Hey, want to go out on the boardwalk?" My voice broke toward the end. Stupid nerves. She looked at me, that little crease forming on her forehead when she was worried that something was wrong.

"Sure, yeah, let's go," she said, backing out of her chair.

"Hey, where are you guys going?" Rachel said, obviously the most excited one and the one that was endangering my cover. I shot her a look that told her to tone it down.

"We're just going outside on the boardwalk…we'll be right back," I said to everyone. My dad shot me a look, knowing what was going on, and Renee just looked like she wanted to join us during the whole thing. Rebecca eyed me like she wanted to grab a video camera and hide behind something to record the moment.

I stepped outside with Bella who was already catching on to the weird mood that I was carrying.

"Is everything okay? Are you okay?" she asked. I tried to put on my best acting skills to hide the fact I was freaking out.

"Me? Yeah…yeah, I'm fine. I just, you know, wanted to talk…"

She looked up at me, that little crease making its cameo appearance again. She waited until I spoke.

Get a grip, Jacob. This isn't going to look smooth if you stumble over your words like a moron. I took a deep breath, took her hand, and guided her to the banister that over looked the bay.

"I had this whole cheesy speech planned, but I think I'm just going to scratch that," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just…"

She was starting to get impatient. I had to do this quick before she thought I'd gone crazy. "Jake, what's going on?"

"I love you –" I started.

"I lo—"

"Wait, don't say anything," I think she caught on at that point. I closed my eyes and just let whatever was going to come out just come out.

"Bella, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more, nothing I have been willing to fight for more than you. Ever. After all of these years it still feels unreal that I am with you because each second of everyday, I fall more in love with you…and I have this sort of hopeless feeling that I'm never going to stop. I love you, more than my own life,"

I opened my eyes to find that her eyes were sparkling with tears almost peaking over the rim of her eyes. Yeah, I think she knew where this was going. I pushed my hand into my pocket and grasped the black felt box.

"And I don't know what else to say, because you know how much I mean every word I just said. And if you don't…well, I plan to show you for the rest of my life,"

She turned around to face away from me, the tears definitely running wild right about now. I opened the box and, from behind her, wrapped one arm around her waist and used the other to hold out the box in front of her.

"Bella, do me honor…" I whispered in her ear. She took a couple of seconds to turn around and face me. She was still crying, I was hoping that with that small smile on her face, they were tears of joy. Was that a yes?

"Should I do the whole getting on one knee –"

"No."

My stomach sank.

"No, no, I didn't mean no," she started. "I meant no to the knee…and yes,"

I was officially confused. Was this supposed to be this hard?

"Yes?" I asked, trying to get confirmation.

"Yes," she replied, and she flashed me a priceless smile. She stood on her toes, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.

A couple of seconds later, our whole crowd started cheering from the door of the restaurant, which they had so conveniently watched the entire scene from. My sisters were the first to run over, screaming their heads off, the first to congratulate us; everyone else followed from behind with nothing but joy on their faces.


	7. Chapter 6: Liars

Chapter 6: _Present Day_

I could not move an inch, even though I strongly felt the need to feel something crushing beneath by grip. I simply stared at Rosalie from where I was standing, my mind incredulous to what she had just revealed.

I should not be this taken aback. This is how the story was supposed to unfold – Bella would live happily without me, the selfish immortal who tried to keep her from her life. Yet somehow, my heart could not come to an agreement with the reasoning I had established so long ago: that Bella deserved a life without me.

At first, there was an overwhelming feeling of sadness; then, anger took its place.

"Alice," I forced out. "Is it true?"

"Edward, please let me explain--"

"Is. It. _True_?" Explanations for why this was obviously a secret that only I was being kept out of were of no interest to me. All I wanted was for Alice to answer the question, to have confirmation for Rosalie's words.

She barely whispered, "It came to me in a vision," she said.

I shut my eyes. I felt my chest tighten, and if I actually had a physiological need to breathe, I am sure I would feel suffocated.

"I'm sorry, Edward, this wasn't something I was planning on keeping from you--"

"No, Alice, you already have. This _is_ something you've kept from me," I replied. Like a masochist, true to form, I wanted to torture myself further.

"Who else knows?" I asked.

It was Rosalie who spoke up then. Her tone was less abrasive that the one she'd used in her head just a moment ago.

"We all do - Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Jasper..." she said. Alice looked at her with glaring eyes.

_I can't believe Rose would do this. Edward, you weren't supposed to find out like this. I was going to tell you, I promise I was,_ Alice thought. I continued on my bout, pretending not to listen.

"When...when did you know, Alice?"

She paused, hesitating to give a timeframe. How long had it been? A week? A month? Two? Alice took a breath before she answered, but I could already see the answer in her mind.

I heard the roaring of Emmett's Wrangler pulling up to the flat and gearing open the door to the underground garage tunnel. Great. The whole family will be here to comfort me for losing Bella to the impossible life I could not give her…a life she had found in Jacob Black. I only wished I didn't have to live through this – it was starting to feel like my own funeral already.

_Edward, I decided to tell you because no one else would – I hope you respect that much, _Rose thought, _and I think you should make an attempt to move forward, despite the situation. She obviously has._

Thanks for the subtlety, Rose.

"Get out…please," was all I could ask. I had no interest in talking about it with anyone. Contrary to belief, _my_ misery did not desire company. If I ever wanted to be alone, it was now more than ever.

Rosalie added an apologetic thought before she started to walk back towards the doorway.

"Rose," Alice said. "You and I need to talk. Privately. Now."

"Emmett is home, and so is Jazz, don't you want to greet them first?" Rose asked, attempting for once to avoid a confrontation.

"Jasper can wait," Alice said in a tone indicative of irritation I had never heard from her. "I trust Emmett can too. Meet me in Carlisle study,"

Alice stormed out of my room, where just minutes ago we were solemnly sharing songs on the piano. Rosalie turned and followed her out.

I was left alone, and in spite of the fact I have been this way for a while, I felt as if I was truly missing _everything_ now. Hope had faded; the smallest glint of hope that I was used to carrying with me was slowly leaving me. I could not help but feel that it was now, just now, that I truly lost her. This empty feeling would serve as a fervent reminder that there was no chance of her coming back.

________________

I did not leave my room until I saw the sun begin to glare in through the window. I sat motionless most of the night, and when I was not sitting, I was pacing. Not that any of it did any good – it was moments of desperation like these when I wish my body could be overrun with exhaustion and that I would succumb to sleep. I imagined unconsciousness must have some ability to wash away the feelings, make time go by in a way where you wouldn't have to experience them.

When I arrived downstairs, I saw Emmett for the first time since I got back. Even though seeing him reminded me that my brothers too knew about Bella's engagement and withheld it from me, Alice and Rose were no where in sight, so it was easier to ignore it with Emmett than with my sisters.

"Edward," Emmett started, getting up from the couch as I approached the main room, "Welcome home, bro."

"Thank you," We met in a hug and a handshake. His train of thought was echoed quickly by his body language – he lowered his head.

_I'm sorry about Rose, man. She didn't have to be so forward in telling you._

"I'm glad she did. At least someone in this family had the nerve to," I replied, not making any attempt to hide my frustration.

_In that case, I'm sorry about the whole thing. I know how much she still means to you,_ Emmett thought.

"She will always mean everything to me. I can't help that."

We sat in silence as we stared meaninglessly at the television, a rugby game going on that had no success in capturing my attention. I soon noticed the flat was empty because I didn't hear anyone else in the house.

"Where is everyone?"

"Carlisle is doing his rounds at the hospital, Alice dragged Jasper into town to blow off steam – she's shopping, of course, and Rose is with Esme…but I don't really know where they went," Emmett replied aloud. He continued in his head.

_I don't think they wanted to be around when you finally left your room. Alice, especially. She's still upset at Rose about how you found out._

I remained quiet. There was truly nothing I could say. Alice and I had never had any sort of argument until last night; even though it was subdued and not much of a fight at all, I felt beside myself. And if she's chose to leave before we could speak again, my best guess is that she was as well.

For some reason, I couldn't explain, I focused my attention to Emmett's thoughts, maybe in hopes I could catch him thinking about something else I haven't been filled in on. He caught on to me easier than I expected thought.

_You're too quiet, and I know you're not watching the game,_ he thought. I couldn't help but chuckle; somewhere along that, I may have even smiled.

"Sorry," I said.

_You don't have to rummage through my head, waiting for something to come up. What do you want to know?_

"Nothing in particular," I said.

"When it comes to Bella, you're a heck of a bad liar," Emmet replied. The sound of her name spoken out loud is worse now than ever. I didn't make the difference obvious to Emmett. Since I was absolutely going to have to learn to live with this agony forever, I might as well get used to it sooner rather than later.

Emmett's cell phone rang at that moment – he picked it up as usual before it could ring again.

"Hello,"

I distinctly heard Alice's voice on the other end of the line.

"Em, where is Rose?" she asked, her voice fervent, impatient.

"She left this morning with Esme – they were going into town," he replied.

Alice sighed. "She's going somewhere. I can't see where yet, but she's leaving."

"Alice, what are you talking about, she would have said something, she wouldn't just go alone," Emmett said forcefully. Rose didn't go very many places without Emmet in tow. Something was clearly off.

"I'm sorry, Emmett, it's all I can see right now," Alice explained. "Look, Jazz and I are heading back to the house now. I'm trying to get a hold of her, but it looks like she's lost reception on her phone."

"Alice, please, just get here!" Emmett roared into the phone, snapping it shut.

"Em, I'm sure Rosalie has a reason for—" I said, attempting to diffuse his attitude.

"I know…I _know_ she wouldn't leave if it wasn't important, I just don't understand why she wouldn't tell me."

We both heard the door as it creaked open and made our way to the foyer. It was not Rosalie, but Esme, alone. I could read that Esme knew no more than Emmett and I, no more than Alice.

"Where's Rose?"

"She asked me to take her to the airport. She didn't explain, but she said it was something she needed to take care of," Esme clarified.

"Did she say where she was going?"

"No," Esme and I both answered together. It was certainly outlandish of Rosalie to pull such an impromptu stunt, especially without sharing her intentions. She did not keep many secrets, at least none that our family was aware of, and especially not from Emmett.

The last time I remember she did something similar was when she returned to Rochester, under Carlisle's knowledge and once he had turned her into a vampire, to seek revenge on her former fiancée who left her beaten on the street…

Alice and Jasper arrived then. Before Emmett could begin harassing her, Jasper took it upon himself to relieve our anxieties. Alice quickly informed us she had not seen anything else involving Rose. I knew better. If Rosalie had made a decision as to where she was headed, Alice would know.

I followed her upstairs and into her room. She was keeping her thoughts busy by translating lines from the Marseilles from French to English, obviously trying to keep me from deciphering what she'd seen.

I took her arm as soon as she closed the door behind us.

"You are soon going to run out of national anthems to translate, so you might as well stop and tell me what is going on," I asserted, sure somewhere in my mind that would not stop her from in fact continuing her little game.

"I actually wanted to apologize. I should have told you. Not now, but nine months ago," she said. The anger no longer overshadowed the pain, and there was no need to continue to be mad at her.

"I know how difficult it must be, now that I'm home. Believe me, I wish I could live without myself,"

"Don't say that. We missed you and we wanted you to come home. I just didn't know how to bring myself to add to the anguish," she told me. "Edward, the last thing I ever wanted to witness was you losing faith that one day she may have changed her mind,"

I nodded my head in acceptance, but I still expected to hear an answer as to Rose's whereabouts. She began to stream new random thoughts, including one to request that I find a distraction and that she would tell me in time. Then, she responded by continuing her French translation right where she left off.

"What are you hiding? Why are you all of a sudden protecting interests? Alice, you and I share everything," I questioned. I couldn't understand why Alice's behavior was so strange and it was honestly beginning to become gravely irritating.

"If it makes it less annoying, I could just recite the ones I already have translated by heart." Without hesitation, she continued, as she left me behind figuring for myself.


	8. Chapter 7: Speechless

Chapter 7: _Present Day_

"_Please, go ahead. Say it."_

"_You're self-righteous and egotistical. I wouldn't have told you if I would have known you were going to tell him like this!"_

"_Alice, he deserves to know the truth!"_

"_The truth is sometimes worse, especially when coming from someone who has no prevalence for tact, Rose!"_

"_You weren't planning on telling him? I've only known for a couple of months, but you've known this since last December,"_

"_I was…waiting…"_

"_Waiting for what? He's impossible to live with as it is, the sooner he realizes that Bella is not coming back, the better it will be for him – and for all of us."_

"_Like I said…waiting. I'm not really sure for what. I was just hoping she would realize that isn't the life she was meant to lead. Not without Edward. Not like this, and certainly not with that wolf."_

I pushed the door to the rental car shut and made my way to the front door. So much for offering double the amount of the rental cost – the car was honestly appalling. Only for something this important would I submit myself to driving in the low standards of an American-engineered car.

My fist hit three knocks on the door. I waited as patiently as I could. No answer.

This is unbelievable. And not the least bit humorous. I did not take a plane to Forks, Washington to stand in the drizzle, knocking on her door to have no one answer. This is part of the reason why I don't go out of my way for others and watch out for just myself – when I do, there is always something wrong or thwarted along the way. I knew I was stupid to come here.

I knocked again, fervently this time, and this time my call was answered halfway through the rapping.

"Hello," a woman said. I did not recognize her, but she did look like an older and somehow less mature version of the girl I was looking for. She smiled at me.

"Hello. I am looking for someone. Bella Swan?" I asked unsure. Now that I finally had the door answered, it would be just my luck for this to be the wrong house.

"And you are?" If it wasn't because we truly didn't know each other, I would think her tone was insulting. I extended my hand in a gesture of courtesy.

"Rosalie. Rosalie Hale," I introduced. "I am an old friend of Bella's. From high school," I decided to just keep it at that. There was no need to reveal that I was one of the Cullen siblings – I did not know after all who this woman was. She seemed to smile again when she heard I knew Bella from high school.

"In that case, please come in! I guess news travels fast if you're here to visit Bella. She just arrived yesterday," the woman said.

I tried not to act surprised as she spoke. Of course, I didn't expect Bella to stay in Forks forever. After my family left Forks for London, Edward asked Alice to cut all ties to the Swans, even asking her not to watch for visions of them; we hadn't known much about Bella until Alice searched curiously last year and turned up with a surprise: Bella, engaged to a dog. Honestly, I don't know how she managed it - the girl had a knack for running with the wrong crowds. She couldn't settle for a normal human boy. Some girls just don't know how to pick them.

"Bella, you've got a visitor," the woman spoke, obnoxiously loud. People yelling always annoyed me, I thought it unnecessary. She started to make her way up the stairs to where Bella apparently was.

As I stepped into the house, I heard a voices coming from upstairs. Someone was bound to join us eventually and I expected it to be someone who knew me. Her father possibly, which, while we had never spoken had seen me from afar and knew who I was through Carlisle and Edward. Or that mongrel fiancée of hers, he would recognize me, even though I probably wouldn't recognize him if it weren't for the hideous smell he would trail in – my mind has no retention for repulsive sights.

My vague introduction of "Bella's-high-school-friend" was not going to last me long. Not that it mattered anyway. This was not intended to be an extended stay.

I faced the window, looking out at the drizzle, and now that I was here I felt ridiculous and quite two-faced. Why _am_ I here? What _was_ I going to say?

_Bella, my brother does not know how to get over you – he's being childish and stupid and he can't live without you. _

That would be grand. And then, I would follow it up with:

_I know I always said that if I had been given a choice, I would have not chosen to be immortal, but that doesn't apply to you when we have to deal with Edward and his semi-suicidal moods. Leave that mongrel you're engaged to behind, along with your perfect human life to be with Edward again. He's intolerable and I can't deal with that._

Whatever my explanations were, I better get them straight. I heard footsteps slowly coming down the stairs and knew it had to be Bella. I turned around, her old friend from high school, here to meet her.

________________

An old friend. From high school.

"Mom, what did you say her name was?"

"She said her name was Rosalie…Hale. Rosalie Hale," Renee repeated. "Very pretty girl. Scary pretty, actually,"

Yeah, that sounds about right. Except she was never really a _friend_, let alone _old_, and she didn't know me _just_ from high school.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. _Rosalie Hale?_ Here?

I didn't know how to compose myself. I made my best attempt not to break into hysterics in front of Renee and Emily, who was with me browsing floral arrangements for the afternoon.

Rosalie. In Forks, let alone in my house. Not just any Cullen – _Rosalie_ – in my father's living room. Had she come with anyone else? With Emmett? With Alice? With _him_?

"Is she alone?" I asked Renee, who nodded and muttered a quick yes in response. I think she was starting to wonder why I wasn't more excited to see my friend.

She was alone. And then it hit me.

Had something happened to Edward? Rosalie wouldn't _just_ visit me to catch up on old times over lunch and a shopping date. Something was seriously wrong. The last time they left Forks, Alice returned. _Alone_. And Edward was on his way to Italy.

I made my way out of my old bedroom door quickly, but hesitated when I got to the top of the stairs. This can't be happening. Not now. I wasn't expecting any of this to happen – coming back to Forks in and out of itself was insane enough. I _couldn't_ do this again…

I willed myself down the stairs, trying to falsely convince myself that everything was fine. And then I saw her standing by the window, looking in my direction as I slowly came down the stairs.

"Hi Bella," she said, breaking the momentary silence. Rosalie was never one to be muffled by surprise – some things never change.

It took me just an extra minute to respond.

"Hi," was all I could let out. I heard Renee descending the stairs toward us and realized I was still standing on the stairs a couple of steps from the landing. She passed behind me.

"Do you girls want something to drink? I have some iced tea cooling," she asked, looking toward Rosalie while heading to the kitchen.

"No…Mom, thanks," I murmured. I took the last couple of steps to the bottom and reached for the door. Rosalie and I shouldn't talk within ear shot of Renee. "I think we're just going to be outside,"

Rosalie motioned her exit as I followed and closed the door behind me. As soon as we were alone in the dampness of the front yard, she spoke.

"Are you not the least bit curious as to why I'm here?" She didn't ask in a harsh way, just the way that Rosalie was – direct.

Yes, the curiosity was killing me; but then again, I didn't know if my psyche could handle it whatever answer she would throw at me.

"I'm not sure if I want to know…" I whispered as I darted my attention. I did know I had to ask the one question that was making me the most anxious. "Is Edward okay?"

"Yes…" Rosalie started, "Physically…" She caught my eyes and held my stare, without saying anything else. I couldn't take her silence. I felt my eyes began to sting with fresh tears when she spoke again. "Emotionally…that's another story."

"Rosalie, please…" All of these years, imagining how Edward would be hurting was an entirely different feeling as to having someone tell me he was emotionally destroyed. I felt a tear escape the side of my eye.

"I know. Congratulations on the engagement, by the way, even if it is to a…" she trailed, evidently making an attempt at graciousness. If it was causing Edward pain, I didn't believe she meant it. I was surprised she knew, but then again, not really – Alice must have seen it.

"Alice…she told you," I muttered through tears I was trying to suppress. I smiled at the thought of Alice, but that made my mood even worse.

"She's known for…well, since it happened. Some of us found out months ago," Rosalie paused then, meeting my glare again. "Edward found out last night. He didn't know anything until yesterday."

I closed my eyes, not hiding anymore the fact that I was devastated. Why am I feeling this way? I should be…relieved? The moment I accepted Jacob's proposal, I knew Edward would find out sooner or later. It was actually the _only_ thing I thought about, as Jacob slipped a ring on my finger…

I felt my lungs gasping for air I so desperately needed and wiped whatever tears were emerging fervently off my face.

"Alice was angry with me," Rosalie continued, "But I told him the truth in hopes that he would finally see that you moved on, maybe even be happy that you have. He's being incredibly… stubborn."

Alice was keeping this from Edward because she knew how much this would hurt him. This must have hurt Alice too – there was nothing I could have granted her than to be her sister and best friend. _I_ took both options away from her.

Because I couldn't falter for words, Rosalie continued talking.

"At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite," she said solemnly, "I can't see a way for him without you. I haven't known my brother since you left him, neither has our family. I know I once told you to run the other way, but when you actually listened, the consequences were less well off than I'd expected."

More than her sounding like a hypocrite, as she'd put it, I never thought I would hear Rosalie admit she may have been wrong.

She was coming off as somewhat of one; after all, Rosalie and I had shared at least _one_ conversation in time; a significant conversation about her life and the transformation Carlisle had no choice but to offer her in order to keep her alive. She had made it a point for me to know that if her immortality was reversible, she would not doubt twice in taking full advantage.

"Rosalie, I can't do this!" I finally said, internally fighting with my demons. My words were coming out in shrieks and whispers of desperation. "I am engaged to a man who has given me everything he has, a man who deserves far more than my eternal commitment!"

I hoped she would understand. She loved someone, too – but Emmett was her soul mate, and she had no choices to make that would jeopardize her life with _him_ because she was eternally indebted to another for any reason.

"Rosalie, Jacob expecting me to become his wife in less than two weeks. I can't keep destroying the people around me because of my selfishness!"

"I'm not asking you to be selfish," she murmured.

"What do you want from me?" I didn't know what to think anymore, much less what to say. I pleaded as I looked into her golden eyes, and we stood in silence for seconds until she spoke.

"I'm asking you to be happy."

She reached into her purse and handed me an envelope. Rosalie gave me one last glance before turning toward her rental, keys in hand. Without another word, Rosalie took off, leaving me alone in the drizzle and dampness of the afternoon.


	9. Chapter 8: Opportunity

Chapter 8: _Present Day_

Some people say that when you are dying, you head slowly toward a blinding white light while your life flashes before your eyes – all the good that you've accomplished for yourself and others, all the mistakes and wrongs that you've dealt. Before you know it the white light becomes brighter and brighter until it pulls you in…and you're gone.

My head felt clouded, my vision was hazy, but I knew I wasn't dying; I did not see a blinding light, only the misty rain and the clouds that infinitely covered the sky, lit bright white by the sun that shone so deep behind it, the rays had no hopes of peaking through.

While I watched the black rental car drive away, however, I did see my life flash before my eyes. Not the life I've lived so far, but the life I _chose_ to leave behind.

I saw the good – I envisioned a blissful eternity next to Edward. I thought about his voice, his touch, his melodic voice whispering in my ear. The tales he could tell me and the experiences we would share mutually. I imagined living alongside him and his family, following him to the ends of the earth and wherever our forever would lead us. It was simple, subdued, perpetual…devoted.

And I saw the bad – A life I had chosen next to those who also loved me; but somehow, the love seemed incomplete, restricted. Often times we fail to feel why, even when you feel happy, there is still a gap in the puzzle. More times than not we realize, in due time, that the love we experience seems to be conditional. Jacob's love was conditional – I knew this all along. My parents, maybe even. There was just a point where, if I were ever gone, they would move on.

At that moment I realized that I was…_here_. Stuck. After four years, I hadn't moved anywhere. Although my life had taken me physically out of this place, the memories, the moments that defined me were still here. The mind I had educated served to guide me, and yet in so many ways, I continued to feel seventeen; and I recognized that, even through my best attempts, my heart had inevitably remained unconditionally with Edward.

Although I had been holding it all along, I finally felt the light weight of the envelope still clasped in my hands. It was not thick, just firm. Without hesitation, I opened the small brackets, pulled the flap back and slipped in the contents into my hand.

I held an airline voucher for one with destination to London, England. Along with it, a small piece of stationary paper, folded in half. Scribbled inside was a street address.

_I'm asking you to be happy,_ she had said.

But I'm happy now. Conditionally, that is; but I had simply abandoned my chance so long ago, it seemed almost greedy to backtrack now.

_I'm asking you to be happy._

Rosalie had handed me the opportunity, now it was up to me to make the choice.

________________

There were few things better than hanging out with your pack: running out in the seemingly endless forest with the wind in your face on all fours. More than anything, it was a liberating feeling, an exhilarating rush that I had given up for _way_ too long. It wasn't everyday that I phased anymore – it would call more than a little bit of attention in the middle of metropolis.

The pack had the idea of taking the day to just _run_. I was hoping this wasn't their idea of a bachelor party. There was no way Leah was getting away with tagging along to that.

One of the few things that beat it all out – food.

As soon as Emily was able to get a hold of Sam, we raced over to Charlie's. Emily told him Renee and her had put out a spread because they knew we would be hungry and were waiting on us to get rid of it all. We didn't waste time in taking her word for it and made a mad dash to the house. When I arrived, while others were speeding toward the kitchen, I was headed upstairs to pay a visit to my fiancée. I'd heard she had been slaving all day over floral arrangements with Emily and my sisters over the phone, and supposedly still didn't have enough patience to make a decision.

I knocked on the almost closed door of her old room and creaked it open. Instead of expecting to see her stressing over shrubbery, she was packing a small bag stationed on the bed.

"Bells?" I asked, a little confused, but still happy to see her.

"Hey…Jake…" she answered slowly, almost a whisper. I knew just by how Bella said my name that she didn't sound herself at all and only glanced to give me a quick look over her lashes.

"What going on?" I was wondering what day it was, even doubting myself and trying to think if the guys and I had actually been gone more than just a couple of hours. "Why are you packing? We still have about 5 days before we head out to San Diego…"

"Um…I have a little bit of an issue," she spoke a little louder this time, as if trying to build confidence. "You know Sophie…the assistant at the publishing house? She called…our editor is on vacation, and well, they called me to see if I can take care of some manuscripts for her,"

_What?_

Bella had to be joking. Except she looked dead serious as she packed the last of some toiletries before zipping up the luggage.

"Well, _you're_ on vacation – I'm guessing that doesn't matter," I said to her. It sometimes blew my mind how she was so incredibly rigid for certain things, and so ridiculously accommodating for everything else.

"I'm a recently hired assistant editor--" she started, but I didn't let her finish.

"So you're not available. I'm sure they can call someone else," I replied. It was honestly irritated that she would ditch our surprise visit home…for work. I brushed her cheek. The color seemed to be gone from her face.

"Jake, please…I'm sorry, but I promised…" Bella said as she met my eyes only to dart them away again quickly. She didn't linger at the touch of my hand like she usually did.

"Everyone is going to be really bummed out," I said, trying to push further. This was a new job – her first straight out of college. I'm sure she was just trying to do her best, impress with her impeccable flexibility. If it was really that important to her, I was going to show her that I understood. What kind of husband was I going to be to her if I didn't?

"I know, but," she took a second to pause. She looked at me again, and somehow I felt like there was too much weight behind her words. "I had to make a choice…"

The night seemed to be too long and less eventful than I had expected it to be. Bella didn't say much of anything else the rest of the night – during dinner she ate less than usual, barely touching her food. Afterward when we gathered with everyone to watch a movie, although she was laying on my chest and looking straight at the screen, her mind seemed to be somewhere else. I asked her questions every once in a while and took time to repeat myself when she didn't hear me.

The next morning, she insisted on taking a cab to the airport even when Charlie and I offered to take her ourselves; she mentioned she didn't want to bother us to drive her all the way to Sea-Taq when she could just take a taxi.

As I kissed her goodbye and watched her get into the car, I felt the need to shake the feeling that came to me that something wasn't right.

_It's in your head, Jake - you're being stupid,_ I thought to myself.

I realized as the car began to drive forward that her stare seemed distant and worried, as if she was in on the bad news and I was still waiting to hear the punch line.


	10. Chapter 9: Return

**Hey everyone - I know I usually deliver quick chapters (and you guys love it), so I want to formally apologize for Halloween getting in the way ;) I also have a lot of things going on this week, so I hope to update as often as possible, but apologize in advance if I fall **_**a little**_** behind...the good news is I have the story in my head about five chapters out, so there is still a lot of juiciness for you to follow!**

**Thank you infinitely for the reviews and comments :) It only inspires me to do more with the story for you! And for all of us E/B shippers, I am glad to inform that the J/B-ness is coming to an end (if you didn't already notice, she ditched the poor guy for London - :D) Thanks again, guys - I hope you like this chapter! **

Chapter 9: _Present Day_

As soon as I stepped off the terminal at London Heathrow Airport, my phone was already ringing. I expected Alice to have told everyone about where I was and what I was doing by now – it wasn't like she could help keeping herself quiet. I also expected my brother to be absurdly mad, which is one approach he shouldn't take, since I just wasted my sparse collection of good deeds of the decade on him. Countless others will miss out just because I did Edward a favor. Whether Bella decides to show or not, he should be grateful I even tried.

The phone buzzed again in my hand. I looked at the caller ID screen – Emmett. The one person I was eager to see above anything else as I weaved my way out of the crowded airport. I flipped the phone open to answer his call.

"Hey you," I said sweetly.

"Finally, you pick up – Rose, I've been calling you all night," he said somewhat on edge. I knew where this was coming from – I usually don't go places without him. I've never really done anything like this, just leave out of nowhere without his knowledge. I guess I deserve this much for trying to be secretive.

"I know, Em, I just got off the airplane. Darling, I'm sorry I just took off," I apologized. All I've wanted to do is get home to see him – I've missed him so much and it certainly has not been more than a day since I left.

"Where are you? Are you back in London?" he asked.

"Yes, I just arrived," I said as I flagged down a cab. I opened the door and slipped in, handing the driver more than enough pounds to get me home quickly. "I'm heading home as we speak."

"Babe, you should have told me, I could have picked you up. What's up with leaving and coming and not telling me?" His question caught me off guard. He would surely know what I've been up to because Alice would have spoken up by now.

"You didn't find out where I was going from Alice?"

"No, she told us she couldn't see it. Besides, her and Jazz took Edward hunting late last night and they haven't come back yet," he explained. It seemed strange that she wouldn't say anything.

I told Em I would explain everything when I arrived home; he made me promise to let him occupy my attention the rest of the day, and tomorrow, and the day after, making jokes about how I had abandoned him and now he needed to recuperate for lost time. He was so charming and silly - part of the millions of reasons why I loved him.

When the cab pulled up to the flat, he was waiting out by the steps. Every time I laid eyes on him was a repetition of the first time I saw him – everything in sight literally becomes brighter, more vibrant. Every time we kiss, it's like our first kiss – nothing compares to the feeling of his lips. Even though I find ways in which to hate this eternal existence I have been damned to, especially for everything that has been _taken_ from me because of it, with Emmett the world makes sense again. He's the best part of everything I have.

"Carlisle wants to talk. He's concerned about where you went, why you left without telling us," Emmett warned me, and for some reason I was not surprised. Carlisle knew I had a way with impulse, sometimes taking things a little too far. Last time I had left on a whim, I went on a little bit of a spree that included eradicating Royce King and his little group of friends, which were the reason my world was doomed.

You could say his concerns were valid, I did fancy revenge a little much more than he would hope. Except I didn't leave seeking revenge; I went seeking just the opposite - a way to bring my family together again.

I followed Em quietly upstairs to Carlisle's study. He was sitting behind his desk reading when we knocked and walked in, while Esme was standing by the grand window behind him looking out at the view.

"Rose, welcome home," Carlisle said as he came around his bureau to embrace me. Esme smiled and kissed my cheek. I could tell she was concerned - she and Carlisle had become the closest thing to a father and mother in the decades we had been together, so this conversation very much carried an air of parental concern.

I smiled and greeted them back. "Thank you."

As I retracted from them and took a seat, I noticed Em, Carlisle, and Esme looking at me – which meant I should begin talking because I had tedious explaining to do.

"I thought you would have known from Alice by now where I headed off to," I started. Carlisle shook his head lightly and leaned against the front of his desk.

"Alice didn't say a word. But we _are_ curious…" he mused. We were silent for a moment until I spoke up.

"I went to Forks. To see Bella Swan."

They looked at me incredulously – I could not make out if they were angry with me for intruding or if they didn't believe a word I was saying.

"You went to see Bella?" Esme said, her tone unusually serious, especially since she was the optimistic pillar of the group. I didn't like the reaction I was receiving – shouldn't they be happy I stepped in?

"Esme, this situation with Edward is spinning out of control. It has been four years since the incident and he only becomes more and more introverted as time goes on."

"Rosalie, I understand your motivations," Carlisle started, "but Edward asked us not to intrude in Bella's life—"

"Carlisle, have any of us stopped to think what this is doing to us? Edward is not the only one in this family that has to endure the consequences of the situation. This is affecting all of us!" I did not want to raise my voice but I somehow could not control its tone, either. "We all know this family revolves around Edward, and if he's not happy, then no one is."

No one ever thought that our family was polarized in any way; no one ever mentioned it at all, but in my mind it was and, without a doubt, life gravitated around Edward. Once the words were out, however true I knew they were, I regretted them. Em gave me a disapproving look, the same one he gives me whenever he thinks I have taken things too far. Carlisle's expression changed as well and I saw that I had hurt Esme's feelings.

"I'm sorry I said that," I said falsely. I was not the least bit sorry, after all – this reaction just proved my feelings more true, but it helped to soften the tension between us.

"Rosalie, I see your reasoning behind your visit to Bella, believe me I do; but what is this going to do to her? She has a life, a future planned already. She's engaged to Jacob and ready to marry him in just a couple of days," Carlisle said.

I chuckled sarcastically, as if any of that could possibly matter. "That did not stop her before. She had a future planned with Edward and she walked away."

They couldn't deny this. Bella had been taken in by Esme and Carlisle, practically became a member of this family because of what she meant to Edward. We implicated our family, and placed our own sake at risk for the difference she made in his life. Even after she was gone, our entire family continued to be involved because of the secret she knows.

"What happens now? You must have talked to her about Edward - how he hasn't been the same since," Em asked.

"I did. What I saw is that she obviously still loves him - Bella couldn't hold back tears as I told her how miserable Edward had become. I left her a flight voucher and our address here in London, in hopes she makes a decision," I explained. I saw Esme smile slightly – she would like that. Bella was always like another one of her daughters.

Being here now, with Emmett, I was able to look beyond my selfish motives and see just how much I would hurt if Em and I were ever forced apart; I would feel just as empty as Edward without Bella. I would be just as miserable, maybe even want to find a way to die.

"Well, we will just have to wait and see what happens," Esme said, as hopeful as the rest of us that something good would come out of this.

"I am sure whatever Bella decides, no matter what the choice, will be for the best," followed Carlisle.

Unnaturally enough for me, I actually feel invested in this charade of mine to reunite Edward with Bella. Even though I'd still think her a fool if she did give up her mortality to be with him, I couldn't deny that they _needed_ each other. At least my family would have a reason to smile again, seeing Edward happy, and that was all that truly mattered.

________________

For years, I appreciated the time spent running through the forest as the chance to clear my thoughts, take a mental breath. Even in the past years, I found comfort in just speeding by the trees – the only time I could try to concentrate on something other than this eternal damnation.

Today however, as Alice, Jasper, and I ran back home from last night's hunt, the run became distinctly different.

Alice paused on her trail as a flash vision invaded her mind. Jasper stopped to aide her, to ask her what she saw - I had no such need. I had a private screening of my own as I saw the images just as she was receiving them. The vision was fast but distinct – long brown curls, deep set chocolate eyes, and a combined expression of anticipation, excitement, and worry. She had one singular bag in hand and a boarding pass. Alice's mind ran wild, ecstatic with the vision; yet once she returned to consciousness, our eyes locked and didn't shift for a long while.

She tried to be humorous to break the paralyzed silence in our minds; yet before she could think, I had already began putting the puzzle together in my head.

_Surprise_, she thought. She confirmed in her mind where Rosalie had gone and made sense of her vision.

I could not believe this – for a moment, I even imagined this was some sickly manipulative joke. Was this real? Could this truly be happening?

Bella. _Bella_. Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella. It was all I could repeat, all I could think about, not that it was not always. She was coming here. Bella, _my Bella_ was on her way to London. The overtly exalted mood I should be wearing on my sleeve was being muted by Jasper – as always, he made an attempt to control our surrounding emotions until he knew exactly what to expect.

"Alice, what did you see? Edward, did you catch her vision?" Jasper asked.

Did I ever. Alice broke away from my stare.

"Jazz, Bella is coming to London! Rosalie went to Forks and convinced her to come see Edward," she explained. As Alice said the words out loud, my mind reeled and I realized why even though part of me felt ecstatic, another part knew this was an invasion in her life, a trespass into the world I had left to make her life simpler. I felt Jasper's influence still over me, which explained why the trees surrounding me were still firmly rooted.

The fury was hidden behind the façade but I felt it seeping through my words.

"Rosalie is out of line. How could she do this, when I asked that…Bella be left alone? She doesn't deserve this," I spoke calmly. It pained to say Bella's name out loud.

"I thought it wouldn't make a difference. Rose told me what she planned on and I didn't think…" Alice trailed off. She'd been hiding it from me since Rosalie left because she knew that I would not take this lightly. "I'm so happy! Edward, I can't believe she is coming,"

"This doesn't change things, Alice. I am sure she's confused, she may be having second thoughts, but her life is where she left it. This is nothing to be hopeful over," I attempted to dissuade any thought that Bella's perspectives may have changed over the past years – I have no strength left to bear high expectations only to have them defeated again.

"When should we be expecting her?" Jasper asked. He seemed to be creating his own high expectations – he thought about how incredibly happy this was making Alice, and this was enough to make him happy as well.

"A couple of hours at most," she said, and I caught my breath at the thought. Bella would be with me in just a couple of hours. I couldn't help but relish in that feeling, that I would see her and touch her and speak to her again. At that moment, it didn't matter anymore if she reappeared just to leave me again, lonelier than I was before. All that I care about is that she would be here and I would sweetly enjoy whatever amount of time she privileged me with; it didn't matter how short lived.

We began to head home to tell the others the news. As we ran, I fell behind to speak with Alice while Jasper led the way.

_Don't be angry with Rose_, Alice pleaded. _No matter what her reasons…we owe her whatever happens. _

I could not find a reason to be anything but thankful to Rosalie.

"I should be, but I'm not," I told Alice. "I can't. Rose is granting me the chance of a lifetime. I never thought I would see her again."

We soon arrived back home. Once Alice spread the news that Bella's arrival was only hours away, the entire house was buzzing with anticipation. To my disapproval, Esme, Alice and Rose were preparing as if Bella had already decided to stay. I wished they didn't get their hopes too far beyond – the hope they held could very well be false.

My focus was riddled. I couldn't think of anything other than her arrival – what would I say? There have been so many things I wished I could have said to Bella when she was still mine, when our time seemed indefinite. For now, I could not get a single thought in order to decide what my first words to her would be like. I distantly dreamed of a moment like this without ever imagining it would happen. The surreal feeling of knowing Bella was turning up soon became almost like an illusion, until the sound of the door chime resonated through the flat and brought all of us to a stop.

I made my way to the door, with Carlisle, Esme, and my siblings following behind, as unbelieving that this moment would ever come as I ever was.

I opened the door to what felt like the single most breathtaking sight of my existence. In this instant, I seemed to feel as if life re-entered my stationary body and willed away any thought I ever had where death offered a better alternative than existing without her next to me. The realization came that I had been living in mere hopes that this encounter would occur.

"Edward…" Bella spoke softly, a sound I only but imagined for so long, and now had the chance to experience again. As she whispered my name, I knew the moment made every second of every minute of every day of wait worthwhile.


	11. Chapter 10: Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**** Okay, just one note before I let you read: this chapter was very emotionally draining – I hope I did some justice. And yes, I'm leaving you hanging, because it's not over 'till it's over (it's actually **_**VERY**_** far from over). Make sure to let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

Chapter 10: _Present Day_

My mind dedicated the entire plane ride to thinking about how this very second was going to feel. How he was going to look, what he was going to say, how I was going to react. It doesn't happen like in fairy tales, where the not-so-average girl is swept away by her prince so easily, real life almost seems unfair. The anticipation had constructed a framework of ideas in my mind, but all of those preconceptions shattered as soon as he opened the door.

Edward's perfect face remained just as beautiful as I remember it, except the expression of sadness from the last fours years had etched itself onto his features; it seemed as if he would have to try twice as hard to smile. He didn't say anything; he had no need to – his expression read everything he tried to say. I only said his name out loud in a whisper, and unconscious human reaction to having no time to prepare for this moment – I thought I would get at least a couple of seconds at the door, not that he would be the one to open it to me. His eyes were a bright golden topaz, even more stunning than I remember them, which meant he had just returned from hunting – also a sign he wouldn't leave me anytime soon. His hair was somewhat shorter, but still in the same tousled bronze look that characterized him.

As I analyzed him, I still couldn't believe I was _here_. Even though I could not break my stare away from Edward, I did notice his family – who were once almost _my _family as well – standing near just behind him.

"Bella!" Alice exclaimed, breaking the welcome silence after a couple of seconds that felt like minutes. I directed my attention toward her. If there was anyone I looked forward to seeing besides Edward, it had to be Alice. She bounced gracefully over to meet me.

"Alice – goodness, I've missed you," I said as we pulled into a hug. We held each other tight, kind of like sisters that haven't seen each other in just as many years. The rest of the Cullens began to approach to offer me a welcome.

"Welcome Bella, it's good to see you," Carlisle said, placing an arm around my shoulders as Esme caught me in an embrace.

"You look more beautiful than ever, dear," she said. I chuckled and gave her a small smile. I saw Jasper standing at the foot of the stairs – he gave me a small smirk. Jasper and I developed a silent language long ago, one charged with eye contact, smiles, frowns, and small gestures - meaning we spoke rarely. I smiled back at him in greeting. He seemed to be pleased to see me.

"Emmett!" I said excitedly, as I saw him next in the receiving line.

"Still blushing, as always, I see. Get over here," Emmett took me into a tight bear hug. When I broke away, I saw Rosalie standing not too far off. A quick glance at her and I noticed her lips seemed to be curled up slightly – a smile?

"Hi, Rose," I spoke timidly. She leaned in as if she was going to kiss my cheek, but instead she said to my ear, just loud enough for the others to hear.

"I had a feeling you would listen," she said. She stepped away from me then and all that was left was an awkward silence, as if none of us knew what should happen next. They all seemed thrilled to see me here; as if they honestly thought I wouldn't come. I knew I couldn't have given it a second thought.

Esme reached for my hand. "Are you hungry? I'm sure I can come up with something to prepare for you," she said eagerly. Her heart-shaped face smiled and I could not say no. I nodded my head and followed her lead into the kitchen.

"We'll have to give you're a tour of the flat after you have lunch," Alice said, approaching to walk right next to me and looping her arm through mine.

"Deal." Despite how I was feeling, I tried to reply cheerfully to Alice's idea. From what I already saw of their new home, it was as spacious and lush as the old house I remember, yet in a different structure – it seemed longer than it was wide, with more depth, and certainly with more stories – four, possibly.

"Carlisle, Esme, your home is beautiful," I said as I was led into the kitchen. It was also just as grand and served its purpose well – keeping up a good pretense of normal human life for the Cullens was never a problem.

All throughout this, I could not ignore Edward's presence behind me – it felt like an electric current that shifted directions just as I did. I caught a glance of him as often as I could and I felt embarrassed that all I wanted to do was stare at his ideal but rundown features, but it was harder than I wanted to admit to face him.

"Thank you," Carlisle replied. He pulled out a chair for me at the island counter while Esme moved all-too quickly with whatever she prepared for me. Edward stood by the kitchen doorway, maintaining distance, but looking in my direction. The minute our eyes met, they both darted in different directions. Was this going to be this difficult?

"Rose and I are heading out. We should be back before nightfall, we're only going out a couple of miles out on the moor," Emmett announced. I assumed they had plans to hunt from before I arrived. "Don't go anywhere until we come back, Bella," he said to me with a smile. "You and I need to catch up."

Although Jasper was the one with the ability to manipulate emotions, Emmett always had a way of making tense situations better just by being himself. I gave him a smile and nodded in his direction.

Apparently, Carlisle was also making an exit.

"I apologize for leaving just as you are arriving, Bella, but I do have to complete rounds at the hospital this afternoon," Carlisle said as he turned to me. He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "It is so good to have you here," he reassured.

"I hope you like it. I still remember how to put certain things together," Esme said as she handed me a small plate with a very appetizing sandwich. She smiled in Alice's direction, and Alice acknowledged the expression as if they had a cue to follow.

"Alice, why don't you and I finish setting up Bella's accommodations upstairs?" she said with a smile. I felt the need to tell them not to go through the trouble, except it sounded like they had already started. "Jasper, you should join us. We're assembling something that may require extra help," Esme continued. She led the way out from the kitchen and Jasper followed.

Before leaving, Alice offered me another hug, "I'm so happy you're here. I'll see you in a bit," she whispered in my ear, and then left right behind Esme and Jasper.

Just like that, and just as planned, the entire family had managed to leave Edward and I alone.

For the first time ever, the silence between us felt awkward. _Very_ awkward, as if neither of us knew what to do, or what to say. This is not at all how I had imagined this encounter to unfold. Yet, what else could I possibly expect? I spent countless nights dreaming of Edward, a dream that soon turned into nightmares when my subconscious reminded me of my selfish mistake – I would always remain as the one who left him. After four years of wanting and waiting, I should not deserve to have even the chance to see him, let alone have a conversation.

I would always be the one of the two who walked away. He would have never done the same to me, not if I had wanted him to stay; he asked me not to go, and I did anyway.

As we both glanced at each other, I wished I could kiss every pain, every frown, every bad memory away; and somehow I knew that if I could, it would never be enough.

"This is odd."

The first words directed to me by Edward ironically captured the essence of the moment. I tried not to make it obvious that I thought this was just as unusual.

"What?" I asked. He took a long pause before he spoke again, and I could see a smirk of shyness pry onto his lip.

"I exhausted a myriad of days and nights thinking of exactly the right words to say if...if I ever saw you again; but you've left me at a loss," Edward said. He looked straight into my eyes, and as he did, I felt like he _could_ read my mind – as if he saw in them all of the accumulated regret of the past years.

"You're not the only one," I replied. I raised an eyebrow and bit my lip, as if wishing I could admit to more than this. The conversation seemed to have hope as he continued.

"I want to apologize,"

"For?" If there is apologizing involved, I should be the first to start.

"Rosalie," he answered. "I asked my family never to seek you out, and if she has intruded in any way--"

"Don't. Apologize, I mean. I'm glad she came to see me. I'm glad she gave me a chance to…,"

I couldn't continue. I trailed off and looked down into my lap. My hands were pale white, and it was then I realized how nervous I felt. I had been in worse situations than this but somehow, this seemed impossible.

"I don't know if I am overstepping my boundaries, by saying this but…" Edward started.

Overstepped boundaries – another one of my faults. What can Edward possibly think of me, a woman about to be married, visiting the one that could make her forget that fact in a heartbeat?

"Yes?"

"You're absolutely radiant. Time hasn't changed you at all," he said, the tone in his voice almost in awe. It was the same melody in his voice that I used to remember. "It's almost as if—"

"I was immortal?" I cut him off mid-sentence and immediately after felt like I shouldn't have, until I realized he had taken my slip as a joke. He was smiling as my eyes locked with his for the second time.

The minute was interrupted by my ringing cell phone. I reached for my only luggage bag into the small pocket on the side to grab the phone.

The caller ID read 'Jacob'. I would not be able to avoid his calls for very long. The flight to London was already three times as long as the one to San Diego – I've avoided this long enough.

"I should take this," I said to Edward, as I moved toward an exit, hoping to speak in private. He motioned me toward the living room and stepped away as I turned to pick up the call.

"Hello?" I answered, trying to fake as normal a voice as possible.

"Hi Bella, it me," a serious Jacob replied. I felt myself reacting to his tone but tried to maintain my composure. Jake always seemed in a better mood to talk to me.

I tried again to keep it light. "Hey Jake, what's going on?"

"Nothing much. Calling to check up on you, see how you are. I haven't been able to get a hold of you – was your phone off?" He spoke again, a little more aggressive than before.

"Yeah, I had to shut it off on the way to San Diego. And later when I left the airport, I couldn't get a signal," I explained easily because I actually did have issues with my phone earlier.

"How is work going?" he asked succinctly.

Not a problem - I would stick to my story: manuscripts, editing, reading.

"Um, good. It's just…a lot of reading, the manuscript is huge and it needs a lot of work—"

"Stop," Jacob uttered, cutting me short.

"What?"

"Just stop, Bella. I know…I know you're not in San Diego,"

I felt a nervous drop in the pit of my stomach. "What are you talking about?"

"Bella, when I couldn't get a hold of you, I called your office. _Sophie_," – he made it a point to enunciate Sophie's name, making sure I remembered how I involved her in my lie before he continued – "told me you haven't set foot in the building. She hasn't even spoken to you since your last day over a week ago,"

The line fell silent after he finished. There was nothing I could say to possibly fix this. I tried either way.

"Jake…" I whispered into the phone. There was so much going on; being here had my emotions overwhelmed on end. I couldn't endure this, too.

"Where are you, Bella?" Jacob asked, officially furious. My silence had confirmed his story. "Tell me where you are _right now_."

He knew I wasn't in San Diego, and if I mentioned a different location or tried to cover up with another story, he would know it wasn't true.

"Jacob, I can't do this right now, I–" I felt the tears building in my eyes, ready to rim over the edge – tears of sadness, of frustration from getting caught red handed.

"I'm surprised you're even saying my name. Is _he_ there?"

His question took me by surprise. Without thinking I turned and I found Edward by the framed entrance leading into the living room. Even though I had him a few feet away, I instinctively asked, "Who are you talking about?"

"Bella, please!" Jake yelled through the phone. "I know you're with him. If you've ever cared about me, about us, please stop lying."

"I'm not...lying. Jake, if you would just let me explain–" I pleaded with him. I couldn't bear letting Jacob go like this; after everything we've been through, it was hardly even fair that it should end like this.

"Don't. I think I knew all along this would happen," he said, as if resigned to a fact he had just hadn't been willing to accept. "Just let me know beforehand so I don't even bother showing up."

Jacob hung up. I called his name once into the receiver, only he was already gone. I closed the phone, wishing I could just tell him I would be back in time; that he had no need to worry because this visit didn't mean anything to me. Except, once I had arrived here today, I was not sure any of those intentions were true anymore.

"Is everything alright?" Edward spoke up, breaking my frantic train of thought. I realized my face was covered in tears and I raised my hands to wipe them away. He was by my side in the blink of an eye and raised his icy hand to catch one tear just escaping my right lash. Even though I had Edward so close, I couldn't help but think of the anguish I had just left Jacob to deal with.

"I shouldn't have come here. I knew...I—" I couldn't find the words. The wrong ones made their way out, instead. "This was a mistake,"

"Why did you come?" Edward asked.

"Excuse me?"

"If this is such a mistake, why did you come?"

That was the problem. At that moment, I realized I never learned from my previous mistakes. I had forgotten that I had the ability to feel two completely different ways, except that I hadn't had the need to feel like _this_ in a very long time. Jacob's Bella never wanted to hurt him and only wanted to make him happy at all costs, it didn't matter how high. Jacob did not deserve anything less; _this_ Bella, Edward's Bella, was the one that was _here_, the one that occupied my body right now. This Bella was the one that was in London at the drop of a hat - the one who had just hurt someone who loves her more than his own life – for the chance to be with Edward again.

"I don't know," I muttered through tears. "I don't know anything anymore."

Edward took me in his arms – a moment I had been wanting for so long, yet now it felt tainted, making it hard to enjoy.

"I have a theory..." he said and kissed the top of my head, "...as to why you came."

I pulled away slightly while remaining in his still grip and looked at him incredulously.

"Edward, this isn't time for games," I warned him. He smiled, tucking a loose curl behind my ear, always indicative of what came next.

"This isn't a game, Bella. I have never been more serious."

Now more than ever, I had to start remembering how to breathe. I remember learning, but I wasn't sure if I could recall the strategy. He was millimeters away from me, and held his position there, just breathing or making sure I was, I couldn't be sure. Edward's breath was as intoxicating as ever. His cold marble lips pressed against mine. At that very instant it felt as if we'd never been apart – as if all of this was just some strange fantasy gone awry that kept us apart for a while, and we were finally together again. His lips molded perfectly around mine, and this kiss wasn't as safe as I remembered them. Edward brought his body closer to mine as he firmly held the small of my back against his hand, while the other ran up and down from my shoulder to my wrist, and when he got there, he brought my hand up to cradle around his neck. The last of the moisture in my eyes spilled over onto my cheeks as I closed my eyes in an attempt to concentrate. We both never wanted this to end – this moment, this kiss, was the culmination of so much; it also marked either the beginning or the death of so much more. Edward pulled away slowly, and then kissed my lips one, two, three more times.

When I opened my eyes, he was already looking for a response in my expression. He didn't hesitate in making his point.

"That's why you came," he whispered, leaning his forehead against mine. He was reeling from the kiss just as much as I was. After so many years away from me, away from my scent, this must have taken as much resistance as the first time he saw me.

"Maybe it is..." I started, "but that doesn't mean I should have," I did not expect his sudden reaction. He crossed the room, away from me, and I could tell he was upset at what I had said.

"Does it mean you should marry Jacob, then? Does this mean that you're here just to leave again, even when your heart is telling you otherwise?" Edward asked. I felt my heart ache inside my chest – for Jacob, for Edward – could I _not_ go through the day without hurting everyone around me?

"Edward, please..." I begged him, much as I had pleaded with Jacob just minutes ago. I started to cross the room to get to where he was until he turned to face me again.

"Bella, I could bear losing you again - I could bear losing you a thousand times over - if you just tell me one thing - tell me that you have not had a single thought of _you and I _in the last four years,"

I couldn't stand to hear him say this. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that the _only_ thing I have had on my mind since that afternoon was _us; _that when Jacob kissed me, I tried to imagine it was him; that when I was being fitted for my wedding gown, I imagined what _he _would think if I were to have walked toward him down the aisle, not Jake.

"Tell me you came here out of sympathy," Edward continued. I closed my eyes, but it made no difference. The pain was just the same. "Lie to me, and you're free to go."

He stood directly in front of me, awaiting my response.


	12. Chapter 11: Decisions

**Again, my formal apologies for such a delay in a new chapter! I just had the craziest week of my LIFE and it was hard to just get 5 minutes to fit and breathe – but here it is…there are some stuff I still want to do with the story – what fun would it be to just have Bella and Edward back together with no struggle? Let me know what you think of this one - enjoy! **

Chapter 11: _Present Day_

Irrationality took over – in my answer, I had let my emotions take control, no holds barred. I realized too late, once the words were out, that I was pressuring her; with this, I was bound to drive her away from me again. The further time crawled on as we stood in silence, the more agonizing the feeling within me that I had pushed her so far out, she would not want to be with me, no matter her intentions for coming.

I read the distraught in her expression, watching her struggle with feelings she could not control - if there was anything I did not want was for this choice, or any decision she made, to hurt her. Yet, despite everything, we both needed resolution. Personally, the fact that Bella was here, with me, made all the difference in knowing that she loved me just as much as I loved her.

Frustration began to build in my mind – patience was never my finest virtue – and, as I had so many times in the past, I wished I could read what she was thinking. Some things never did quite change.

"Bella, please," I couldn't say much more, so I begged her to speak. "Say anything," I asked. She took in a breath that etched the silence.

"I can't. I can't lie anymore," Bella replied. I felt a sense of relief wash over me. She wasn't going to deny it – this was the moment I had been expecting. "I thought I could make a life with Jacob. I wanted to, but it slowly became so…impossibly hard."

I could not help myself.

"I am not letting you go. Not today, not ever again," I whispered to her, cradling her into my arms again. "I can no longer be selfless,"

Bella looked up to meet my gaze. I leaned down once again to kiss her, the warmth of her lips like the drug I could never refuse. Her scent was as fascinating as always, but no matter how long I'd been away from it, I resorted to my pillar self-control and ignored the burning sensation in my throat. We both took a breath as we attempted to recover and leaned against each other. Bella kept her head on my chest as I wrapped the length of my arms around her.

"I haven't for one day been able to think of something other than what _our_ life would have been like," she said.

"What our life _can_ be like…"

I felt her take in a deep breath, contemplating my words.

"Don't marry him, Bella," was my simple and unassuming request. I could not lose her. Not after I knew that she never wanted to leave in the first place.

"I always wished it was you," Bella said slowly, in a low voice without looking at me. I felt another one of her tears on my shirt – I lifted her cheek and I brushed it away – it only served to tater the moment. After a moment, we locked eyes, as if she was reaffirming her last words.

Listening to Bella stirred emotions within me that had been dormant for so long – my deeply buried feelings that had been rekindled when I first found her, and I thought had died the day she said goodbye.

She sounded ashamed when she spoke, when in truth, and no matter how it sounded to anyone besides ourselves, she knew as well as I it was a feeling she could have never avoided. However wrong I could have thought on endless occasions that the universe was for this arrangement, our souls were eternally connected, no matter _what_ I was. If I would have lived a mortal life and died as I should have in 1918, it is hard to think our souls would have not found each other eventually.

Bella took a seat at the sofa stationed behind her. I positioned myself to hold her close to me, as if I felt that she would slip away from me otherwise.

Out of all of the uncertainty I have dealt with on occasions, this was the worst – I did not know what to do or what to say to comfort her, other than tell her that I loved her; somehow at this moment, with Bella suffering her decisions the way that she was, that did not seem the least bit fitting.

Without further conversation, she soon fell asleep in my arms, exhaustion taking over her. Alice made her way downstairs, a look of happiness on her face that could only be overthrown by my own.

Gently, I made my way upstairs with Bella cradled in my arms to lay her down in the room Esme had set for her stay. Alice followed us, and I could tell she was eager for conversation. I honestly was just as eager to talk to her – if Bella made any kind of concrete decision about us, Alice was curious enough to know by now. Even though I felt strongly about what had just happened, there was that hint of doubt in me that was driving me insane.

_I'm not going to bother you to tell me what happened – I'm sure Bella will slip in the details tomorrow when we spend all day together,_ Alice thought with a smile.

I gave my sister an annoyed look. Bella was back in our lives – in _my_ life – and all Alice could think about was torturing her with a shopping date; but did that mean that Bella was staying? That she would not leave tomorrow, when her judgment was less clouded and her perspective was better aligned?

_You're going to spend all evening with her tonight anyway – when she's awake, it's my turn_.

I knew Alice had missed Bella a little more than the rest of my family. I couldn't deny her the chance to spend time with her. Besides, if matters worked out in my favor, I would have time to spend with Bella for the rest of her life – or so I hoped.

When Alice and I left the room, Esme was outside the room with Jasper - both had ecstatic looks on their faces. I looked back at Alice to find her just as joyful.

"You don't have to worry, Edward,"Alice said aloud. "I don't think things will change now."

Esme smiled, overjoyed, and Jasper placed his arm around her in an embrace. Alice beamed with excitement. If Alice was right, that was more than enough reason for all of us to feel the same way.

"I, uh…I'm going to be --" I signaled myself toward the door, and the others nodded. I didn't want to leave her unattended in case she woke up to not find me there. That, and my desire to not want to be away from her, led me back into the room. I watched her peacefully sleeping, the first time she has looked at ease since she arrived.

It seemed almost unbelievable that this was coming true. After spending endless days and nights contemplating a life with Bella, I now had the chance at regaining everything I had been waiting for.

Nothing else mattered right now. My entire universe – the stars, the sky, anything that encompassed _everything_ - was right here, in this room. There was no reason to ever need anything else.

The thought, although alluring, frightened me just the same. In an attempt at realism, nothing is perfect. Even in our imperfect relationship, Bella and I would have it all – yet somehow, I knew that no one ever got _everything_ they wanted or needed. Something had to go wrong along the way – I had already become accustomed to the fact that happiness only lasted so long, and that eventually, fate would intervene with a destiny far too complex to handle.

One thing I was absolutely certain of – Bella would never be put in danger because of me again. I tortured myself long enough, truly believing that she left in part because she would _never_ be safe, no matter how hard I tried. I learned from the mistakes I made with her in the past that threatened her life, and I swore to not repeat them again.

Through all of this, I felt blissful enough that nothing could ruin this mood, this feeling that I was finally whole again. Any impending matters, the foolish details that we would eventually have to deal with – such as the fact that even though many things had changed between us, I was _still _a vampire and Bella was _still_ a mortal – seemed petty issues to waste time contemplating when there was so much more to be thrilled about – the simple fact that we were here, together.

________________

There is nothing like the smell of home-cooked breakfast in the morning.

One would wonder all sorts of atrocities if they heard a vampire saying something like that, being that we don't actually eat food (at least not _human_ food); honestly though, it was reminiscent…it meant there was a human in the house – and that human happened to be my best friend.

I trotted down the stairs with Jasper after a long night of anticipation to find Edward preparing all sorts of morning treats straight off the Carlton Food Network – eggs, Belgian waffles, diced fruits – all very colorful, yet not at all appetizing to the rest of us. He was putting out a spread, as if the poor girl was really going to eat everything he was making.

Edward had never looked happier, and I had never been so excited.

Rosalie and Emmett sat mindlessly staring at one another in the living room, but as Rose heard Jasper and I approach, she directed her attention toward us.

"Bella is here and he's already destroying the kitchen," Rosalie sighed as she walked in, Emmett right after her. Edward and I shot her the usual look, the one reserved exclusively for Rose when she was being effectually aggravating. I hadn't forgotten I still had to thank her, but that was no reason for her to be such a pain.

"Come on, Rose, the kid's got his dream girl upstairs. He's trying, cut him some slack," Emmett joked. He reached over the counter to grab the bowl of eggs and beat them while Edward finished slicing strawberries. Edward gave Emmett and smirk before glancing back at the television.

"So, what's going on with that?" Em asked casually. "I mean, you've been down here for a while and you still haven't said anything," Rose leaned in to the counter and I smiled at Edward, amused at their curiosity.

Edward laughed lightly, but I was the one who spoke up.

"She's staying!" I said excitedly. I couldn't contain myself – everything would finally go back to the way they were supposed to be, the way I had seen them from the beginning.

"Alice, that's not for sure," Edward started.

"Can you please not be such a pessimist? You should be the first one to be so happy about this you want to yell it out loud. And yet, you're here cooking and brooding. She's not leaving, I can see it," I answered. I hated when he did this to me, which was quite often. Edward tended to be the one to remind me my visions were subjective – a fact that I did not appreciate, especially when I liked what I saw.

"I'm not being a pessimist. I am just not expecting anything yet," he said. I rolled my eyes at him and turned to watch what the chef on television was preparing next.

As I was thinking about my plans for spending the day with Bella, as I had intended to no matter what Edward said, I noticed something.

"How much longer?" I questioned, looking at Edward. Jazz, Em & Rose gave me the strangest look. Edward of course, picked up on my cue instantly as he read my message. I was already handing him the bed tray when the others noticed what I had meant. Edward moved faster than usual, placing everything on the tray to take upstairs. "Relax, Edward, I didn't say she was escaping through the window."

"That's where he wants her to stay," Emmett said. Jazz laughed and nudged Em on the shoulder. Rose rolled her eyes and walked back toward the living room. As Rosalie made her exit, we heard a door creak open from upstairs.

"Maybe next time," Jazz followed up. Even though Edward regretted not being able to execute his breakfast-in-bed plan, he chuckled at Em and Jasper's puns. We were all perfectly content with seeing him smile again.

I stepped out into the main hallway and followed Bella's steps along the corridor on the third floor while I waltzed over to meet her at the foot of the stairs. As soon as she was in sight, I offered her a smile.

"Hi, Bella!" I said as she came down the stairs. "Did you sleep well?"

She extended me a hug as soon as she hit the last step, towering over me.

"Yes, thank you," she answered in a low voice. I could tell by her glances she was searching for my brother.

"Edward's in the kitchen. He went a little crazy with the food, so don't panic,"

"Oh, no," Bella sighed and then she paused, surprised. "Wait – Edward made breakfast?" I locked her arm in mine and towed her into the kitchen to find all of the morning's creations spread out around a place setting for one at the counter.

"Of course he did – cheating off of the food channel, but made by Edward," I replied. She laughed lightly at my giving him away.

The boys tried to pretend they were unobservant of the look on both Bella and Edward's faces when she walked into the kitchen, but I felt the need to watch. They equally lit up at the sight of each other; that was my cue to loosen my arm from around Bella's – she gravitated toward him, casually but drawn. Edward just kissed her forehead and offered her a seat. It was a simple and sweet welcome, a natural exchange. They seemed meant for this moment - somehow, it just confirmed everything that I had been thinking the last couple of hours – Bella would stay; I couldn't be more certain than I was right now.

"You didn't have to do all of this, really," she said, looking around to all of us as Edward assembled a dish.

"And let you starve? Edward wouldn't allow that," I said. Jazz came to stand by me, as Emmett went back into the other room to find Rose. I called Edward's name in my head to call his attention to me.

_Don't think I didn't notice – I know those are Esme's silk pajamas,_ I said to him. He shot me look – I knew he wouldn't let her sleep in her clothing, but then again it was fun to tease him about changing her out of them.

"Alice," Edward muttered. He handed Bella her breakfast and kissed her before glancing back at me while I smiled mockingly. I always enjoyed bugging him just a little more than I should – it made life interesting.

"Speaking of, Bella and I are going shopping today," I announced. Bella glanced up from her breakfast, looking confused. Had she really been away long enough to forget that my one of my favorite hobbies was using her as my life-size Barbie doll?

"Did I…miss something?" Bella asked. "Alice, really, we don't need to—"

"Fine," I said solemnly, knowing she would budge in the end. "Don't spend the day with me. Its fine really, I could just…I don't know, take Jazz or something,"

By Edward's smile and the look of guilt on Bella's features, I could tell Jasper was making some sort of face right behind me, triggering just what I wanted – Bella's compromise. I dressed her myself just before we went out, and although she looked somewhat tortured, I know she loved me for it anyway.

We made stops at all of the shops along Kingly Court and St. Christopher's Place – when I wasn't forcing perfectly beautiful outfits on her, we talked about anything and everything we'd missed of each other in the last four years.

The conversation changed constantly – she filled me in on college life at the University of California and how Charlie was doing. We touched on the subject of Jacob, but only briefly, until the conversation shifted to Edward – she asked me all of the things I knew that she was afraid to ask him. I knew him better than the rest of our family, and that made me the resource for the painful things she couldn't question him about.

I told her about how Edward left to Harvard; how his visits became rare as time went on, just because it was so painful for him to be around us whilst we were always thinking about her. Bella couldn't help but get emotional, which I don't blame her for. It rather hurt to talk about it with her, to know that she felt guilty for everything that had happened, but she had asked and I couldn't deny it if she wanted to know.

"Alice, you would always tell me the truth, right?" Bella asked when we sat down for lunch. I had almost forgotten it was mid-afternoon – I wasn't used to these meal schedules.

"Yes, always. What's wrong?" I asked, admitting in my voice I was a little afraid to hear her reply. She paused and took a breath before she continued.

"Did I…did I do the right thing by coming here? I don't know if…this is just going to cause more problems, and that's the—"

"Bella," I interrupted, the features on my face apologizing for cutting her short. "Edward has spent the last four years wishing himself human, even though he knows that it's impossible. Because I love him, it never became easier to deal with the pain of seeing him want something that would never happen. He…thought that if he wished enough, if he begged fate for it, that it would be his way to _feel_ again – as if being human was the only way back to you. There is nothing in the world that could have come at a better time for Edward – and for all of us, really – than you. You've brought him back to life, just like you did when you first met him."

I knew, as I looked at her, that Bella would no longer have any doubts about her decision. She nodded as she wiped away her eyes in an attempt to not call attention to herself from surrounding tables on the patio.

"Can I ask a question? As your friend, of course, not as Edward's sister."

"_Best_ friend. And yes…of course, Alice, you can ask me anything," Bella said, and I smiled as she corrected me. It was good to know at least one thing remained the same.

"Why did you decide to marry Jacob?" I asked as nonchalantly as possible, trying to make the question less pressing that it actually was. She obviously was not expecting it and looked down to contemplate her answer.

"I guess…I thought it was what was supposed to happen, what was expected. After I…," Bella winced, seemingly remembering something unpleasant. "After Edward and I were over, there was no real path for my life to take. At least, I didn't think so…"

Bella's words trailed as she stared off. The waiter serving her lunch brought her back to the moment and she began eating quietly as I watched.

"Does he know where you are?" I continued. Although I didn't want to feel like I was probing, I was curious.

"No," she answered. "He suspects I'm with Edward, but he doesn't know where."

"Jacob suspects?"

"He said he knew I was with him. I think he always knew that my heart was somewhere else entirely."

I could see the sting in her eyes as the realization came to her that she had never been able to fool anyone, including Jacob. At that instant, I knew what she would do. I saw her vision as my own, and I did not feel unsure of anything – I knew she would return. She met my gaze a second too late, knowing I knew the decision she had just made.

"It's okay," were the only words I uttered, and I smiled. Bella smiled in return.

"Thank you. I _do_ owe him that much," she said. "I owe _both_ of them that much."

I didn't want Bella to think that I was against it – on the contrary, I knew as well as Bella that this was something that she needed to do, a resolution that needed closure. I took her hand in a gesture of understanding and nodded. I had no doubts that it would falter, I was convinced it would not. My brother, on the other hand, was an entirely different story.


	13. Chapter 12: Questions

**Author's Note:**** Okay…so yeah. SEXY chapter. And angsty chapter, too. As always, please let me know what you think :) It only helps fuel my creative fire. Enjoy!**

**Oh, and by the way – if you're thinking of quiting on me now, there is a MAJOR twist on the horizon (and by 'horizon', I mean the next chapter), so I wouldn't if I were you! You've already put this much commitment into reading my little tale – finish it off. LOL :)**

Chapter 12: _Present Day_

"Absolutely not."

I should have known that even before we were inside the house, Edward would know the plans I had made and thanks to Alice's thoughts, he was waiting in my guest room as soon as I walked in. Of course he would not want me to go – I had just made my way back into his life. I was lucky enough he let me go shopping with Alice the entire day.

"Edward, this is something I need to do. I can't just disappear all of a sudden – I have obligations,"

He sighed as he brushed a hand through his hair. I knew he understood - he just couldn't bear himself enough understanding to be reasonable. Classic Edward. Before he could say anything else, I tried to explain.

"This isn't just about Jacob, Edward. Besides the fact that I need to set things right, there's Charlie – and Renee. Am I just going to tell them over the phone that I came to England and decided to stay? I have to tell them the truth…or at least part of it," I continued. I had good reasons for going – and it would be a short-lived hiatus.

_Mom, Dad – I'm leaving Jacob for Edward. Big mistake on my part to leave one for the other initially, but now I've finally made up my mind._ Great – that just puts me in the best light. Am I supposed to be considered a good person because I 'finally made up my mind'?I did not know how my parents would react exactly – maybe I should leave Edward out of the picture; except Jake may have already mentioned a certain situation involving our wedding being called off, and he happened to explain his account of where I was and who I was with.

"Just so you know I am completely against this. I do not have a good feeling about any of it," Edward said, comprehensive, but his expression still sad. As he stood by the window, I threw my arms around his waist from behind and he brought his arm over my shoulder to embrace me, holding me close to his cold marble body.

"You should have more faith in me," I whispered in the infinitely small space existing between us. "I know I haven't really given you a reason to—"

"Love, this isn't about lack of trust. It's my sanity the one I fear for while you're gone. I am not sure if I could survive even just a few days without you."

After the last two days, he was not the only one fearing for their sanity. I was just as reluctant to go as Edward was for me – surviving a couple of days away from him now was just as painful as ever.

I met Edward's eyes and I knew he could see in mine the same anxiety I saw in his. I drew myself closer to him and he leaned in with intentions of kissing me gently. Soon enough, all of the passion we had held in for so long began to escape – I grabbed his tousled hair in my closed hand and pressed me even closer to him, our bodies not even a millimeter apart. It was intense – which made the moment all the more strange. Edward was usually more cautious with me than this, something I objected to constantly; right now however, he seemed to not be so concerned.

Instinctively, our lips met deeper after each one of my breaths. Our feet had carried us straight to the edge of the bed where we collapsed together. Edward knew then that our impulses were overruling reason. He pulled away, holding his body still close over me but much too far away for my liking.

"Bella…" Edward started. I placed a finger on his lips and propped myself up for a quick kiss.

"Don't you dare tell me to behave," I said slyly as I bit my lip and smiled. Contrary to Edward's belief, there was nothing more worth the danger than being with him like this. He laughed, and I knew by the look on his face I had taken the words right out of his mouth.

"I was…actually…going to say…" he whispered, trailing kisses between sets of words all along my lips, my jaw line, my collarbone – he stopped there and I felt him take a breath – enjoying the bouquet, as always. "…that you are going to make me lose my mind one of these days."

"Really…" I trailed my fingers under his shirt along his back, and then felt them wander to trail just slightly under the waistline of his jeans. I _wanted_ him to lose his mind. There was nothing I had ever wanted more – in every way – than Edward; and times like these made the desire even harder to displace.

"That's completely fine by me,"

I knew that was the last of it – insinuations always put an end to the playfulness and brought _my _safety to center stage. He looked at me sternly, his still-golden eyes peering into mine.

"You don't know what you're saying," Edward stated and began to make distance between us. He took a seat on the side of the bed. "I wish something had changed since the last time we were together, but the conditions remain the same. Things will never change,"

I didn't want to admit to him that his words hurt just enough. Luckily, he couldn't see my expression since he was turned away from me. I pushed all bad feelings aside and spoke into his ear.

"Things can change," I suggested in a whisper. "Edward, I'm yours now."

"That does not mean I am going to put your life in danger – now more than ever, I have to control myself around you. I am not risking you at the hands of myself or anyone else," Edward replied turning back to face me. He was absolutely serious.

"I'm yours forever…I'm never going to want to go back,"

"'Never going to want to go back'?" He said repeating my words. He knew where I was going with this – it was a conversation we have had countless times before, when I was still young – when I obviously did not know what I wanted; now I know what I want: Edward. Completely, fully, eternally Edward – emotionally, mentally, and physically.

"I want _you_, all of you, whatever that entails. Edward, I'm ready. I may not have been ready years ago…"

"Ready for what exactly? Eternal damnation?" The conversation suddenly became an argument on a different level – now not just about our limited physical relationship, but about the transformation that guaranteed me an infinite life with him. I don't remember Edward ever being this upset, especially not with me. He stood up to face me, his expression angry. It took me by total surprise, and I could not avoid the feeling of rejection that reared its head, along with the moisture cued in the corners of my eyes.

Edward noticed my shocked expression and the tears that were threatening – his face softened, and he returned to the bed, taking my face in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Bella. There was no need for me to be so callous. I just…"

"What?" I answered harshly, assuming the anger he'd just abandoned as my own. "Tell me if all of this was a mistake – _did_ I make a mistake in coming here, Edward?" I wiped away my face. "I do _not_ want to grow old next to you. I want to be with you forever - _completely_ and _equally _with you."

"Bella, please," Edward spoke in a pained whisper. Neither of us intended the conversation to take this route, yet eventually we knew it would have had to be mentioned.

"And I just don't want to spend the rest of my life telling you how much I love you. I want to be able _show _you." I decided to return to the past, to a promise he had made to me the last time we touched on this subject. "You promised. A long time ago you promised me that we would _try_—"

"Promises cannot always be kept."

Those words carried much more weight between us than Edward had intended them to. The silence that invaded the space between us made me feel more distant from him than my body actually was. My chest felt hollow, beaten, and my lungs felt void of air. I mustered just enough breath to make my accusation.

"Like my promise to marry you…that I couldn't keep? Is that what this is about?"

I could tell he didn't expect me to make the assumption that I did. Once the words were out, however, I could not take them back no matter how much I wish I hadn't said them. I was just making matters worse when there was no need.

"Isabella Swan, would you please listen?" Edward started, pretending in his demeanor that the last comment was one that he didn't hear. He closed the gap between us, and although I felt reluctant, I let myself melt into his arms. "This is not about broken promises. This is about the fear that takes over me every time I imagine that I may lose you – in any way. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you – I could barely live all of these years knowing what I have already put you through,"

"Edward--," I pleaded.

"I made a promise to myself to keep you safe, Bella. I have already given you everything I have, everything I am. I don't know how much more I can do without failing…"

I could not deny him that much, but I shook my head – there was no way he could fail. In my eyes, he never had. We stood in silence for a moment until Edward spoke again.

"And I do want you. More than you think," he confessed. He brushed my cheek with his lips, placing small kisses in an invisible trail his frozen lips left behind. I was mesmerized by his touch again, forgetting any reasons I had had just seconds ago to be mad at him.

"Don't torture me, Edward…" I gazed up to meet his absentminded eyes, obviously enthralled with resisting my scent – he knew how much I wanted this, and he had to want it just as much.

"Just give me some time to savor your return," Edward whispered, the pun obviously intended while now it was _his_ hands trailing up the back of _my _shirt ever so softly. "We'll talk about further compromises later. Besides, it would be foolish of me to believe that you won't get your way in the end. I can never say no to you,"

What he didn't know was that I fantasized about a chance to _be_ with him, to exist together as one. And I had waited – not by choice, and not for lack of opportunities; but now that we were together, I knew the wait would be worth it – I would be able to fully give myself to him, which meant so much more than the act itself.

"Bella, love. Is everything okay?" Edward's voice brought me back to _this_ moment. "What are you thinking about?"

I blushed, embarrassed to describe the vivid images of our bodies pressed together that frequented my thoughts.

"Nothing," I replied. Edward, of course, knew better.

"Have I ever told you – you are a horrible liar,"

I felt my cheeks flush even more. "Yes." He still waited for an answer, but gave up in time, confident he would find out in time.

________________

I planned on making the trip back to the states the following day when I realized Jacob may no longer be in Forks. For all I knew, he could have broken the news to our families of my betrayal – how I simply walked away from our engagement without another thought – and returned to San Diego. Oddly enough, I preferred to face Jacob alone, without my parents, without Billy – and hopefully his sisters would not make an appearance when I came home. I didn't know how I would face Rachel or Rebecca after everything they've done – they considered me as much a sister and friend to them as Alice did.

I had to find out where Jake was. There was only person I could call who would know the answer – the one person that wouldn't judge my decisions under any circumstances. I picked up my cell and searched for the familiar name. The longer it rang, the more apprehensive I felt, until finally, an answer.

"Hello?"

"Mom. It's Bella."

"Hey…sweetie, how are you? Are you still in San Diego?" she asked. Her somewhat cheerful tone sounded forced.

"I'm," I took a breath. I couldn't lie to Renee – I never had. "I'm in London."

"In London? England? I thought you were in California!"

Had Jake not said a word?

"Mom, I will explain everything, I promise. I just…I need to know if Jacob is still in Forks, or if he already went back to San Diego," I stated. Renee paused as if not knowing what to say. She muttered a couple of times before answering.

"Bella, I'm sorry – he went back to San Diego. He just…did he call you? I swear your father is livid. By the way, Phil and I are going home tomorrow, so if you need anything, you know where to find us. Why don't you come and spend a couple of days with us – it wouldn't be so bad,"

Renee was off on a tangent, as usual – strings of words, phrases, and situations I didn't understand. What was going on?

"Mom, hold on – Jacob went back to San Diego," I tried to make it sound like a statement, as if I knew that he had, and not like the question I was asking myself. "What did he tell Charlie? Why is dad so upset?"

"Bella, you would think you're father has the right to be upset about how Jake broke off the engagement barely a week before the wedding…"

Renee, on another tangent, described how everything occurred: how Jacob explained to Billy and Charlie that we could not get married, that he thought we weren't ready to take the next step. He apologized for proposing in the first place, and that although he still loved me, marriage was not something that _he_ wanted right now.

"How are you holding up, honey?" Renee asked.

_What?_

This didn't make any sense. Why would Jacob defend me in front of Billy and my parents? After everything I've _done_?

"I'm…fine, I'm completely fine," I said mechanically to Renee. Stunned, I cut the conversation short, promising Renee I would call soon.

San Diego – I had to talk to Jacob; now more than ever, Jake and I needed to talk.

Emmett and Edward accompanied me to the airport the following morning. Edward and I shared a moment away from his brother, who was waiting outside the terminal.

"Make sure that airplane stays in the air – you have to come back to me," Edward joked. His quips on my luck no longer bothered me – according to him, they made me endearing.

I kissed him one last time, and before the goodbye became any more difficult I turned away toward the boarding gate.

It did not become any easier knowing without a doubt that I would surely come back – there was nothing that could possibly keep me from Edward anymore. I did, however, have the need to set things right at home – especially with Jacob. I had to figure out the pieces of the puzzle that were missing, and make my best attempts to apologize – even though my attempts would be in vain. I have already hurt him beyond repair and there is nothing I could possibly say to make any part of his nightmare go away.

Jacob's only consolation is knowing that I will forever live with the regret of not realizing sooner that I could have never made him happy, even if I wanted to – and even if he _always_ came though.


	14. Chapter 13: Conversations

Chapter 13: _Present Day_

I heard the brakes on Carlisle's XK coming to halt just before the garage door opened. As I slid out from underneath my Ferrari, Emmett and Edward pulled in next to me. I cleaned most of the oil and residue off my hands before throwing my arms around Em's shoulders for a kiss. For some reason, Edward hung around to witness the moment and even cleared his throat a couple of times. I looked up for a moment from Emmett and forced a pause to look at Edward.

"Edward, do you mind? I'm sure Bella is in distress somewhere, go find her."

Emmett chuckled and Edward smiled, closing his eyes – Even though I knew they had just delivered Bella to the airport, and I did not mean for my comment to be humorous, I'm glad he found it so amusing. He should really go find something else to do, though.

"Actually," he said. "I was hoping I could have a word with you,"

"Sure," I replied, serious now. Conversations didn't occur with much frequency between Edward and I, so when the occasion arose it was usually something of importance. I was not really used to talking to him – it's not something we did often. We understood each other better through quick banter; that was just _our_ way, much like him and Alice had their one-way response exchange.

Emmett put my back on my feet and gifted me another quick kiss before taking the elevator up to the flat. Edward leaned on the side of the XK and waited for us to be alone.

"Rose, I know we don't always see eye to eye," Edward started. I had somewhat of a feeling what this was about, so instead of just accepting what I knew deserved I waited until he finished. "But I want to thank you,"

I played innocent, as if I didn't know. "For what?"

He caught my glance and had a small smirk grew from his lips. I knew that he was reading my thoughts by now and that I knew what the appreciation was for. I absolutely loathe when he does that.

"Rosalie, you know what I'm talking about," he replied. "Don't try to drag it out of me."

"Actually, I think I'd like that," I said glaring at him. "After all, I was forced to stand in the rain to convince her. And not to mention that horrid American rental car…"

Yes, I did think a proper 'thank you' was in order for my sacrifices. It seemed not enough now that Bella had essentially returned. Edward laughed again – I knew as well as he did that I was being childish.

"Okay, then. _Thank you_,Rosalie. Thank you for doing…what I never thought _you_ would do for me," he answered with sincere gratitude. For the first time, I took in measure of exactly how much my actions meant to him; how much he _needed_ someone – anyone – to have done this for him sooner, because he would have never had the courage to. I actually felt warmth in his words, as if he was subliminally telling me how I had saved his life without realizing it.

I decided to rupture the shy tension that floated in the space between us as I smiled at him as I slapped his crossed arms with the car rag. I turned back to my car and found something under the hood to keep my eyes focused on while I spoke.

"I'm…glad I was able to help. It felt like something had to be done, I guess."

"I am curious to know, though," Edward mused. I kept my attention converged, pretending to only entertain his conversation. "What was your motivation? I…always thought you did not really like Bella all that much?"

I was somewhat annoyed with the second part of his question. It was never a matter of not liking Bella – I envied her. I envied that chance she had at being human and _normal_ - an opportunity that I did not have within my reach.

"It's not that I have a dislike for her, Edward, I…"

"…just don't want this life for her. When she could have so much more," he finished for me. When I met his eyes, I knew he shared that same thought – no one should be doomed to this life – but if this condemnation is what she wanted, I saw that Edward no longer had the strength to stay away from her. I spoke out loud a second after I had shared the thought.

"If Bella asks you to…will you turn her?"

He remained silent for a moment.

"Part of me wants to be self-less and tell her that she doesn't need to change for me. I want to tell her that her life as a human is much more worth living than sacrificing it for an eternity with me; mostly, I just feel just the opposite – selfish. Now that I've found her, and lost her, this reunion only strengthens that avaricious feeling of wanting to keep her forever," Edward explained. He obviously had not discussed this with anyone else, I could tell by his tone of uncertainty. I was confused about how that felt, him opening up to me, but I was glad it was happening – it somehow made us feel a closeness we had never experienced. "So I guess it is up to her – I'll do whatever she wants."

"You are risking her life by trying to turn her, Edward," I reminded him.

"I trust that Carlisle will be there to help. Whether Bella decides to be changed or not, I wouldn't be able to deny her either choice," Edward muttered, looking down. "I cannot live without her. I'll give Bella what she wants as long as I can be near her."

Although his vulnerability sparked an unusual anger in me, I equally as well understood that Edward could not control the obsessive way he loved Bella. It was difficult to create a change in creatures like us, and when that change happened – especially love – it was a permanent bond, unbreakable. I, for one, for as long as this eternity lasts would never be able to love anyone else but Emmett – and I can say with certainty that I would never find a reason to feel otherwise. I would do anything to remain near him no matter how desperate.

"When is she set to return?" I asked in a nonchalant tone.

"Tomorrow," Edward replied, a positive glint in his voice. "Bella said she didn't need much time, that it was just a matter of…talking to Jacob, apologizing formally I suppose."

My disgusted expression must have given my thoughts away before Edward even got to them because he let out a laugh I hardly ever hear from him.

_What is so funny? You know well I have no regard for that mongrel, Edward,_ I thought as he composed himself.

"Your expression was truly priceless," he answered through final chuckles. Once again, we settled to a comfortable quiet. The idea of Bella leaving to return home continued to spin around in my mind.

"I really do not see why Bella would have to fly home to see him, much less apologize. The dog could have settled for a phone call. If he is into the dramatic, a letter would have sufficed," I rambled. My brother gave me a warning look, but one that showed that somewhere in his mind he felt slightly uncomfortable by her return visit, too.

"It was important to her," Edward replied. "Like I said, I can't deny her things – especially when this decision is implicating Jacob as well. He is already enduring a loss, just so that I can gain. I had no right to take her away from him, really."

"Please stop playing the martyr, Edward, especially not for a wolf. You're making me sick."

We both fell silent again and I felt Edward sigh.

_You know that I am right._ I said in my mind without glancing up from where I was working under the hood. When I looked back seconds later, he smiled and pushed himself off of his leaning position on the car and headed toward the elevator.

"I'll send Emmett down," he said slyly as he pushed the up button. "Oh, and stay off the XK. I'm sure Carlisle would be unhappy if you two dent it."

________________

In a matter of hours, I was back at San Diego International Airport.

Rachel had insisted on coming with me to the airport and staying with me until we reached the final terminal – one last goodbye, she called it – because she knew that I wouldn't want to come back to San Diego "after what Jake had done to me." This delusion had been spun so far out of control, I was no one to try to defend Jacob anymore even if I wanted to. I kept my composure and played my part well as she promised to keep in touch when we hugged one last time before I boarded the plane.

I was now on the seventh hour of my eleven-hour flight, and if the time elapsed served as any indication, the last four hours were going to be just as haunting. I couldn't help but replay the day over and over in my mind: Rachel's obliviousness and her rant about how she'd kill Jake for breaking off the wedding if he weren't her brother; I thought about how excited my co-workers were for my impromptu relocation to London (not that _I _wasn't excited, but they obviously did not know the whole story); about the painful way that Jacob treated me that forever put an end to everything.

Mostly everything was effortless. I decided to start with the easy farewells, thinking it would help me prepare for what was coming; or possibly I was just trying to put off the inevitable as much as I could. As soon as I arrived, I visited the publishing house I had only worked at for a couple of months and spoke to my editor, letting her know I had made a transition to live out of the country. She congratulated me, and when she asked if Jacob was eager to live in London, I just lied. _"He's thrilled,"_ I had said. They all wished me luck, and then I headed home – well, what had been considered home until a couple of days ago – to speak to Jake.

When I arrived, I slid my key in the door knob, but it wouldn't turn. I closed my eyes and, with a sigh, realized that the lock had been changed.

This was not going to be easy.

I knocked the door to what was _obviously_ no longer my apartment. Jake unlocked it after a few seconds and slightly opened up, walking away from the door without caring to check who was behind it. He made his way back to the kitchen as I came in slowly to stand in the doorway, slightly stunned; there were no signs of acknowledgement for my arrival as I saw him reach into the refrigerator to find something to eat.

"Did you ask the landlord to change the locks?" I questioned. No answer from Jacob.

No, this wasn't going to be easy at all. He was going to make this very, very hard.

I stood in silence, looking around to find that Jacob had not spent much time in the living room since he came back. Everything remained untouched with one exception – every picture that used to occupy a place on a table, on the ledge over the television set – all traces in still photographic form of Jake and I as a couple were gone. The empty spaces where the frames used to be screamed at me the realization that he was as much done with me as I was with him when I took that first plane for London.

I remember his first words after the long and uncomfortable silence.

"Rebecca left town. She doesn't even want to talk to me, so you don't have to worry about running into her and playing the sacrificial victim," he said. His voice sounded worn, like he had been doing a lot of screaming; or crying. I didn't want to know either way. "Rach is just dying to see you before you go, though, so I suggest you don't let her down."

"Why did you throw this on yourself?" I demanded, my tone letting out the buildup I had developed from the lock, the missing pictures…his attitude. "You are the first person to have every reason in the world for blaming everything on me,"

"You don't have to thank me. I gave you the easy way out," Jake replied. He looked at me for the first time since I stepped through the door, glaring from under his lashes.

I imagined he would be upset, but I wasn't expecting him to act anything close to this.

"I never wanted the easy way out, Jake! I was ready to face my consequences—"

"The consequences of ending up with me instead of with the leech, I know; it was a tough choice," I winced as I heard his first blow. "I always thought that the voices in my head telling me I was second best were just there to mess with my sanity – except now I know they had been right all along." Jacob's words were subdued and not overly responsive. He'd already given this thought, he'd fought himself about it by now. The words hurt just as much as if he was yelling them at me, and his approach made me more impatient. He continued to rummage around the kitchen without directing his glance at me.

"I deserve this," I said hastily. "It just makes things a million times more difficult to have you spitting these things back at me when I know this hurts you, too."

"Bella, I did this to myself. I should have never pretended you were mine to begin with. You never have been," Jake finally looked up to meet my eyes. His face was stern – it didn't look like him at all. "Part of what I told Billy and your parents was true – I was fooling myself in proposing to you."

"You regret proposing to me?" My reaction was unexpected but once it was out, I couldn't take it back. I couldn't believe what he was saying just as much as my aghast retaliation – it should have not bothered me that much; he had every right to feel that way.

"I regret ever believing that your acceptance to marry me was anything other than an excuse to help you forget _him_! Our whole life together was your attempt to forget that bloodsucker! Can you imagine—"

"Jake—"

"No!" he cut me off fiercely as he began moving toward me. Jacob was wearing all of the resentment he held on his sleeve. I backed away from him, not out of fear but out of desperation.

"Can you imagine what it feels like to look back and realize that every time I kissed you…every time I held you…all along you were wishing it was _him_?"

I felt the wall behind me, and Jake kept approaching. He reached me when I could no longer back away, placing his arms against the wall on either side of me. I knew Jacob wouldn't hurt me, and then I thought about the fact that passion had no limits – it was just him and I, and I felt his warm breath as he spoke just inches from my face. He was hurt – it was evident in every expression, every gesture, in every word.

I felt him slide his hand behind my back, pressing me close to him.

"The few nights – those times when we lay together…our bodies side by side, when the world held nothing else but us – when I could have made you mine…you were thinking of him all along, weren't you?"

The only thing rupturing the silence was my muffled breathing; the tears were silent. Jacob's glare was fixed on me, waiting for an answer. I couldn't speak. I could not tell him what he wanted to know without doing more damage.

"Jacob…I don't need to answer that," I muttered; it was the only thing I could reply.

He put his arms at his sides, releasing the one arm that held me against him and taking the other arm away from the wall as he took a step back.

"You just did."

Jake stepped away, obviously finished with the fight, and took a seat in the living room. I closed my eyes and took a moment to breathe. There was no possible way that I could be granted the chance of this ending well. I had done too much damage. For my own selfish reasons I first hurt Edward, now Jacob. I was back to square one – the empty bottomless feeling in my stomach – the same feeling I had four years ago when I was making the decision to walk away from Edward. But I knew this wasn't as hard as it had been back then – no, it wasn't nearly as heartbreaking, which was all the more reason to know that _this_ was what needed to be done.

"Jacob, I don't know how else to apologize, and I know I shouldn't even be given the chance to,"

"Then spare it. You can't have both of us, Bella."

That I knew. Knowing that once I thought I would be able to balance them both - one as my lover and one as my friend - just seemed silly in retrospect.

"I wish I knew I wouldn't lose you. The problem is I know I already have." I whispered. Jacob looked up from where he was – his head cradled in his hands, looking straight down at the floor – to meet my glazed eyes and slowly got up and walked towards the door. He opened it in a gesture of exit.

"I wish I could say I felt differently…but I don't," he spoke softly as he remained still by the door, his body language hinting that we were done discussing all of this, discussing us. His eyes did not break away from mine.

"There are only so many times a person can die, Bella. I'm out of chances."

There was nothing left to say, nothing left to be done. I had killed him. Nothing I could mend, no pieces I could pick up & no hope for someone to do the job for me. Although he looked like he would have stood there for an infinite amount of time, I didn't wait to compose myself to leave. I stormed out, leaving anything that I may have thought I wanted to take with me behind.

I stood to stretch my legs – sitting becomes uncomfortable and claustrophobic, even in first class. The images were raw and vivid in my mind – there was no such thing as desensitizing from these, even after replying them for the millionth time in my head. I waited until I reached the lavatory to unleash the tears I had been holding back in the aisle. Truly, the last thing I needed was a cheerful stewardess asking me if I was alright.

Resentment - it was all I could feel toward myself. It was all Jacob would ever feel toward me from now on. He could ignore my existence, he would become good at it – no matter how much we cared about each other, the friendship alternative, after everything else between us, seemed not even worth bothering for.

I felt bruised; damaged, overwhelmed by the things that Jacob had said. I had never seen him that hurt, that enraged, and it only served to strengthen the pain of his words. What Jacob has said beat me down, and I felt and ache all over my body. London could not arrive just yet - I needed time to recover. I sat in the lavatory trying to ease the pain, letting time reassemble the pieces of me that were hurting for Jake before I faced the rest of my life with Edward.

________________

_One month later…_

The note was simple, concise and to the point. There was no need to elaborate, no need for complications.

_Dearest Edward, _

_We are delighted to hear from you! I hope this letter finds you in good spirits, as well as Carlisle and the rest of your extraordinary coven – please send them our fondest regards. Although you wrote to us some time ago, it is with great pleasure that we have received your recent correspondence. We offer you our sincerest apologies for having waited so long to grant you a response but, as always, we have been kept busy by various activities. _

_Our recent discussions have left us impassive as to your sudden decision to join our elite guard, but all the same, we are pleased to welcome you. Please bear in mind our strict conditions, the same set of circumstances to which you have clearly stated no opposition against with your recent commitment. We are expecting you within a few short days – please accept to arrive as soon as possible, as we have many plans in store for our newest, most gifted affiliate._

_With fondest regards, _

_Aro_

The letter was sealed and deposited to the out box of the glamorous reception office, ready to be delivered to its recipient at the next advance of the Italian postal mail service.


End file.
